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Academy Awards Not Handed Out
Well, the Academy Awards were handed out on February 24th and what a night it was. Unfortunately, I did not win the award for best film category. (It was pointed out to me that it is necessary to actually write a script to be considered for the award.) Semantics.
Therefore, it is time, once again, to announce the winners of some of the categories that did not receive the pomp and circumstance of the more important awards received.
Since we couldn’t get Jon Stewart to emcee our ceremonies, I’ll be taking over the traditional hosting duties. First, my monologue:
Good evening ladies and gentlemen of the film industry whom I greatly respect. (This is what is known in show business as “sucking.”) What a time I had getting here tonight. It’s not like I respect the stars I’ll be rubbing elbows with tonight, but since DeNiro got the time to come here, I hopped in my Mercedes McCambridge and drove across the River Phoenix. I was Tom Cruising along when suddenly I found myself in Chevy Chase. Just when I thought I couldn’t take Demi Moore, I stubbed my toe on Chris Rock and experienced extreme Allen Payne. Believe me, it’s not my intention to Jody Foster this situation, so let’s get Richard Gere in, before they lock me in Nicholas Cage. (laughter, applause.)
Our first category is the best picture of Spring Break in Fort Lauderdale. And the winner is “No Country for Old Men”.
Next, there is the best picture of the capital of Alaska. And the winner is, “Juno”. (Oh, come on, someone is going to do it, eventually.)
And now it gives me great pleasure to present this year’s Lifetime Achievement Award. This year it goes to a gentleman who has been in the movies for over seventy years. He was in more than 500 films, but never starred in any of them. He never even got that much of a close-up. This year’s Lifetime Achievement Award goes to ninety-year-old, veteran stuntman, “Pops” Flanagan.
(The camera pans up to a catwalk above the stage and I fire three blanks from a “rest” gun. “Pops” falls forward and lands on a freestanding craps table. He gets up and walks to the podium.)
POPS: Well, I’ve been in the business since the 1920s. Before turns. They could have had talkies then, but the directors didn’t want you to hear that they cried like a little girl when they fell off a horse or something. What a pile of panty waste. Heck, I’ve fallen off buildings, caught fire, and been punched in the face more times than you can shake a stick at. Do you know everything that Peter Sellers did in the Pink Panther movies? That was me. You know all that rubbish Burt Reynolds used to dish out about doing his own stunts? Poppy Chicken! That was me. The only stunts Reynolds ever did was sleeping with beautiful women. Do you think he would ever ask me to do any of those stunts for him? The wuss. Well, thanks for the award, although I deserve more. (Applause as “Pops” exits.)
Thanks dad, nice attitude. And, finally, our last prize for the evening. The award for the best film about a dental technician, just before cleaning a patient’s teeth. And the winner is, “There Will Be Blood”.
Well, we managed to run six hours. I guess it’s time to say good night. So, until next year, remember: “We’ll see you at the movies, right after you took out a loan to pay for the tickets.” (Applause) Fade Out.
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