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A Mother’s Manipulation of a Grown Daughter
A Closer Look at Relationships – Defenses (Not Listening and Others).
I’ve been talking to Rachel, now 21, since the summer before she entered the University of Missouri. Some of our talks are about worries that are “normal” for a young girl in college: dating, first love, anxiety about grades and doubt about her choice of veterinary university as her major.
But, most of our conversations are about Rachel’s relationship with Taylor, her mom, who is 48. That relationship is chronically disruptive for Rachel. It creates the greatest anxiety and sadness and takes up precious work and study time. Here are some examples of why.
background
Taylor came to Columbia to spend the night with Rachel just for a short visit. But Saturday afternoon, right after she arrived, she asked Rachel why she thought they didn’t get along much of the time. Rachel said she didn’t want to talk about it. They had this conversation many times in the past and nothing ever changed. It not only upsets Rachel but also exhausts. And, Rachel had to get some study time in before she and her mom went out for dinner and a movie that evening.
Her mother asked the same question again, twice, completely ignoring what Rachel said. Rachel thought, “There it is again, mom’s old habit of pushing to get what she wants.” Rachel did what she always did with her mom; she yielded. (Rachel is an exaggerated Pleasant personality).
“Okay,” said Rachel, “one reason we don’t get along is that you don’t listen to me.” Taylor protested that: of course she listens. When Rachel repeated that Taylor really wasn’t listening to her, Taylor asked, “When?” So, Rachel gave her mom two examples, one from the past when she was still living at home and one from just a few weeks ago.
Rachel’s first example: Rachel reminded her mom that when the “Hello Kitty” craze happened a few years ago, Rachel was already a senior in high school, 18 years old. She was too old to be interested, but Taylor, who is an immature Comfort-style personality, loved the “Hello Kitty” products.
When Taylor brought home a “Hello Kitty” pillow for Rachel’s room, Rachel told her mom that she hated the “Hello Kitty” hype. So, she would appreciate it if her mom didn’t buy her any more of those things. A clear message.
Over the next six months, “Hello Kitty” things often appeared in Rachel’s room. When Rachel told Taylor that she really appreciated her thoughtfulness, but, again, she didn’t want more, Taylor cried for a long time. (Crying is one of Taylor’s most used defenses.) The same thing happened when Rachel protested the third time. More persistent crying. Rachel finally gave up trying to be heard and the only way she could leave the “Hello Kitty” stuff behind was to go to college the next fall.
Rachel’s second example. A similar incident happened just a few weeks ago between Rachel and Taylor. Rachel was in a long-term relationship with a guy she cared about. When the relationship ended, it was quite painful.
When Rachel, now 21, went home from college for a weekend visit shortly after the breakup, she gave both her parents some details about why the relationship ended. She was clear with them that she felt sad about it and wanted to put it behind her.
And yet, during that conversation, Taylor pressed Rachel for more and more details. When Rachel hesitated, Taylor strongly suggested that Rachel was the problem in the relationship and maybe that’s why it ended. Rachel felt so hurt, she couldn’t even tell her parents the truth: the guy cheated on her twice and she was glad they weren’t seeing each other anymore.
How did Taylor take these two examples of her Not Listening? She did what she always did: She first denied her own behavior and then she cried for an hour. Rachel was so confused that she decided to go outside to study rather than trying to concentrate there in her apartment. Rachel has heard Taylor cry for so many years that she just doesn’t want to deal with it anymore. It’s so tiring.
What’s Wrong in This Relationship?
- Rachel is more mature, more responsible and a clearer thinker than Taylor.
Rachel’s mom may be older than her daughter but according responsibility for one’s own behavior, Taylor still is emotionally young.
- Taylor has been manipulating Rachel since she was a child. Not only with (a) not listening, but also with (b) subtle and not-so-subtle blaming, and with (c) whining and complaining, (d) crying, and (e) feeling hurt when confronted with her own behavior . All these behaviors are defenses that keep reality out. And, so far, they’ve kept Rachel confused and off balance.
- Rachel is a typical over-the-top Pleaser. She might briefly consider setting verbal boundaries for her mother but she doesn’t follow through. She always gives in to what her mom wants.
- Rachel can’t say “No.” Happy people always say “Yes” either with their words or their actions, usually both. There is not even a thought in Rachel’s head that she not only has the right to say “No”, but she has a duty to herself to say “No”. Everyone has the right to privacy. And, everyone has the right to self-respect.
Two hours after their argument, Rachel returned to her apartment after studying. Her mom acted like nothing happened. That’s how it’s always been. Rachel knows that this kind of “talk” will happen again, probably many times, in the future because Taylor is so manipulative. When you’re in Rachel’s position in a relationship, this kind of exchange is exhausting! And harmful. Although Rachel loves her mother, she also resents her. And, unless one of them changes her behavior, the resentment will deepen over time.
Solutions.
One. The whole thing is so avoidable. If only Taylor recognized that good relationships need: (1) good communication that starts with listening, (2) respect for each other’s boundaries, and (3) the people in them must be open and undefensive or they don’t work. True love, friendship and/or intimacy simply does not flourish where the poison of manipulation is present.
But, Taylor doesn’t want to look at herself and refused to talk to Rachel and I together. It does not look hopeful that she will agree to work on herself in the future either. So, any positive change in the relationship has to come from Rachel.
Two. Rachel must decide:
- Stop being so afraid of damaging the relationship when she stands up for herself respectfully. Taylor loves her daughter so Rachel’s fear of losing the relationship is unrealistic. Over time, Taylor will accept Rachel’s changed behavior, precisely because she loves her daughter. But Rachel has to stick with it.
- Rachel must learn to set boundaries, both verbally and with her behavior. Setting limits is a form of saying “No,” and you’ll remember that Advocates really don’t know that word. Rachel needs to practice saying “No” respectfully and consistently. Sooner or later her mom will accept it.
- Rachel needs to understand that she is not responsible for her mom’s feelings. As long as Rachel is respectful with her mom, she has the right to be responsible and respectful to herself to tell the truth when her mother asks. Her mom is responsible for understanding her own feelings and working them out herself.
If you are either Taylor or Rachel, please consider making these changes. Emotional security, closeness, and intimacy depend on your changed behaviors.
You can learn more about defenses by going to my Defense Chart.
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