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The Sex Factor – Romance With Your Spouse After Children
You know you’re a mom when…you promise your husband tonight is the night, but you happily sneak into bed, relieved that he fell asleep on the couch.
Not to gossip or anything, but a recent visit from my friend resulted in us having a conversation about sex after baby. Slowly her sex drive returned as her hormones balanced out after pregnancy. Her four-month-old is now happily sleeping in her own room, giving mom and dad back their personal privacy. Doing better than me, she enjoys sex, but said lightly, “We did it last night, so I’m shelled for a few days”. At the same time we both laughed, kindred spirits in the fact that sex was not currently the most important thing on our list.
Like many of my posts, I ran the idea into this week’s “You Know You’re a Mom When…” casually past my husband. Feeling somewhat witty and on point with my comment, I repeated it with a half laugh while smiling at my own personal accuracy. There was a kind of dead silence in the room. “That’s not so funny” he replied, neither impressed nor amused by my remark. “Come on” I replied, again validating what I know many women can relate to and find ridiculous. He was neither convinced nor interested, and just gave me that look as he walked away.
In their own way evoking humor and cliché, men have grumbled about sex after marriage since the dawn of time. However, it made me think less about my own indifference to it and more about his need and desire as a man and a sexual being. Most people know and agree that men need sex as a physiological part of their coding and makeup. A woman’s personal feelings and opinions often override what men need and allow them to forget or overlook this so-called necessity in their daily lives (I being in that group).
So juggling all the things we do, not really feeling up to it and really needing/craving/wanting sleep, how do we create that spark of interest to rekindle the fires?
In my research on ways to improve sex with your husband I came across eHow.com. They suggest things like talking about your fantasies to get stimulated, being spontaneous and having sex somewhere risky, or maybe creating a home video or photo album just for his eyes. Great ideas, but who has time for that? (I clicked off that site because obviously it was written by someone without kids). However, to their credit, they did suggest, 1) Talk about it! Yes, with him or her, not with your friends, not with anyone else. It’s absolutely amazing how many lovers just don’t communicate openly and honestly with each other about what’s enjoyable about sex.
Expert Michael Webb, author of 500 Love Tips, offers 10 Ways to Rekindle the Magic in Your Relationship:
1. SEND A UNIQUE GIFT
2. CHILDREN AGAIN
3. HAVE FUN WITH WATER
4. MASSAGE WITH A TWIST
5. BRING BACK CHILDHOOD MEMORIES
6. BEWARE OF THE CLOUDS
7. WALK ALONG THE PLATE
8. ORGANIZE A PICNIC ON A HOT SUMMER NIGHT
9. SHOW YOU ARE GRATEFUL FOR YOUR PARTNER
10. INTENSIFY YOUR LOVE
Not sure if he has kids too (who’s watching them while I’m looking at the clouds?), but at least he’s getting close and his suggestions are spot on.
Then, I found this website, http://CharmYourWife.Com. Robert Steele writes, if men want more sex with their wives, they need to start educating themselves on the dos and don’ts of a woman’s emotional state. “When your wife has a comfortable sense of well-being, knows that you really love her for who she is and that out of all the billions of women in the world, you only want her, then you’re likely to get as much sex as you can handle. “! He also goes on to say, “Loving your wife is making her feel special – like she’s the most special women in the world to you. Courting your wife is still ‘wooing’ her – like you’re still ‘hunting’ her to win her heart.”
My favorite quote from him is “when a husband knows how to emotionally please his wife and make love to her, she will only naturally want to please him. That’s how women are ‘wired’.”
I found it interesting that even though I know my husband demands sex and we can do “things” to make it better, creating a mental and emotional connection is really the key to that locked door. It also made me realize that I have the power to create that connection myself. When my husband comes home and I immediately tell him how my son put a hole in the wall, the property taxes came and I didn’t have time to dye my hair, he just wants to retire and break up. So it’s up to me to have more light-hearted conversations and complain less. More about what was good in the day, what things worked and the events that made me happy and brought joy to the children. He would then want to reciprocate the gesture, feel open to listening and free to share in return. Everything I really want, and the beginning of creating the closeness we both ultimately desire.
I will get back to you on how well it works. In the meantime you might want to send this post to your husbands and see if any of the suggestions interest him.
Standing on my soapbox,
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