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ToothbrushRush

Do you feel like you brush your teeth too often? Are your days distorted and collapsing around the beginnings and endings as you face your grimace as you brush away those choppers? mine does Every time I brush (twice a day, religiously, and I don’t mean while on my knees) it looks like I just did it. Time between brushings seems to run much faster than the time DURING brushing, which seems to take forever. There could be alien forces at work: Years ago, in Roswell, New Mexico, the UFO that the government denies to this day, did contain visitors from outer space, who were befriended by a kind old dentist who persuaded them to put in missing time for. to work to promote good oral hygiene in humanity – as a benevolent gesture.

Or, maybe brushing seems weird because I’m using a timer. Not out of obsession, but a program built into my Whirly 2000 Spin Clean brush. I call it The Timenatrix! Every 30 seconds, it beeps to remind me to change “quadrants”. Where are my wisdom teeth when I need them? A two-minute brushing seems to take half an hour. As the machine does the work, my mind searches for something else. Maybe it’s the whirring of the Whirly transmitted up my jaw into the brain that induces an altered state of consciousness. Maybe that’s how ‘they’ will communicate with us when we’re ready?

I admire the spray pattern on the mirror. I can’t understand why my side has one, but my wife doesn’t.

I look around the room for scorpions, those sci-fi special effects bugs sent to nuke my foot. You can’t be too careful!

In my mind, I see a dentist, played by Laurence Olivier, torturing Dustin Hoffman in MARATHON MAN and asking, “Is It Safe?”

But many people brush by hand. And they may need their own equivalent of Timenatrix as they fight cavities, fight tartar, remove plaque, freshen breath and whiten. Since I have so much time while brushing, I have come up with some helpful suggestions, again, for the betterment of mankind. We really don’t want that enthusiastic salesman with bad breath standing too close, ever again, in our lives.

Try to stand on one leg as long as you can. Then the other. Upper teeth on the left leg, lower right.

Try a tune. Since you forget most of the words, do the part you know. Sweet Home Alabama on top, Smooth (c’mon – Rob Thomas and Santana played for a YEAR every five minutes) on the bottom. Keep your mouth closed around the brush or,

Admire the splash patterns on the mirror.

Don’t even get me started on string!

If you floss incorrectly, you will remove the enamel from your teeth as you change the floss into a SAW. There is – ALWAYS – SOMETHING!

Recently I had to have two teeth pulled. Why? Bone loss in my MACLE! Why? Bacteria. DESPITE my best efforts: Whirlpool, floss, dental visits quarterly. a prayer Incense. Votive candles. I was prepared to hold off in denial until I was warned that it could rise up into my sinuses…and give me a headache on bird’s legs.

I wonder about the Survivor players: how can they stand so close after so long without a toothbrush? Hard to believe there could be any face to face in the land of what must surely be really stinky APIRO breath.

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