How Long Can You Let A 3 Week Old Cry Does the Work of Grief Ever Really End?

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Does the Work of Grief Ever Really End?

Do you wonder if the pain will ever stop, if the emptiness will ever go away? Will life ever have meaning again? You may not think so now, but the answer to all three questions is an unqualified yes. And there are millions of people who can vouch for that fact.

But that doesn’t mean you’ll be your old self again. Nor does it imply that you will somehow be completely free from the anguish of your loss experience. There is a constellation of variables that determine the intensity and length of grief. They range from the type of death, number of secondary losses and degree of emotional investment in the deceased to your coping behaviours, health, social support system and expectations, to name just a few.

What we know about the length and intensity of mourning work, that process we have to go through

through adapting to all the changes imposed by the death of a loved one? Here’s what will help you arrive at your own answer to that question.

1. The intense feelings definitely decrease with time. That will be obvious. However, to put a time limit on how long they last is to throw out one undeniable fact about grief — it is a very individual process. So that great pain and emptiness can last for days or weeks, depending on your individual variables.

2. You’ll also experience what can be interpreted as an end to your grief, or at least a feeling that you’re doing pretty well — only to find yourself suddenly pushed right back to where you were a few weeks ago. This can be a very discouraging, although normal, occurrence. An event may unfold where normally your loved one would be with you, and you are brutally reminded of his/her absence.

What is often called the “year of the first” may include some of these episodes. There is nothing wrong with feeling anxiety, anger or many other emotions when this happens. It’s not only normal, it’s to be expected.

3. It is also quite possible that years later, when you have adjusted to the physical absence of your loved one, a wedding, birth, graduation or anniversary may bring a revisit of sadness or the need to cry and express emotions. Don’t hold back these feelings. They are a common result of memories and a part of life.

4. As stated before, grief work is a process of adaptation, or as many believe, a process of healing. That healing can take years with stops and starts that bring new awareness and views of life. In fact, there are some people who believe that healing never ends. (I’ve heard some say, when you’re sad, you’re sad forever.)

Perhaps we begin our healing attempts with our first major loss. Then with subsequent losses, we must continue the healing process, learning as we go. Perhaps adapting to change–or recovery–is an ongoing or perpetual process. If it is, we must not make it an object of anxiety and give it unnecessary power to distract us from enjoying life.

So, does the work of grief ever end? The answer, of course, depends on your individual beliefs and interpretations. For some, grieving seems to end at a moment’s notice. For others, it’s about being revisited by grief. Whatever your faith, you can be sure that each of us possesses the inherent ability to deal with our losses. And, with a little help from our friends, get through those early days of confusion and change.

Where it goes from depends on our choices.

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