How Long Is A 3 Day Old Supposed To Nurse A Day in the Life of a Zombie Nurse

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A Day in the Life of a Zombie Nurse

I knew nursing school was going to be rough, and I was willing to sacrifice my sleep to get my degree. I would end up in class like something from the walking dead. I managed to get through the hard times in nursing school because I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and there was. But yes, can we turn off the light once and only every night?

Well, as you’ve gathered by now, I’m a zombie nurse. I graduated 6 years ago, and I work on a busy med-surg floor. 12-hour shifts are the norm, and I work three-in-a-row. I guess you could say, I’m a glutton for punishment, and you’d be right. Many nurses choose to spread their shifts throughout the week so that they are not as tired. But me? Well, I’m a fan. I guess if I’m already working, I might as well keep going until I’m done, then enjoy being away for four days. My boss thinks I’m crazy, but I’d never admit she’s right about it because she already thinks she’s Einstein’s ghost.

My day starts at a ridiculous hour. I have already hit the alarm clock three times, but it refuses to shut up. It’s like groundhog day again. It is so early that the bats are still up and flying around. I open my eyes again, only to realize that I’ve slept through the last nap, and I have one minute and thirty seconds to get in the shower, get dressed, eat, make coffee, and drive to work… way to stupid. ! I curse, then roll my bum out of bed cursing and swearing I’ll be smarter tonight and go to bed earlier so I can get up easily the next day. But it never happens. I’m such a liar!

I take a freezing cold shower to wake up my lazy cells, then thank God and WonderWink that I get to work in my pajamas. Man, I love my scrubs. I run downstairs, tear open the fridge and grab some moldy, unrecognizable fruit?, (or something) and I don’t have time for coffee. Yes, I hate my life right now.

I look like Dog-doo because I have no makeup on. Maybe that’s okay for some nurses. You know, the ones that are naturally fabulous at 6 in the morning, but not my ugly butt. I look like I’ve been dragged through a bush backwards, and it never fails. No one can shut their mouth about my appearance at work. It has to be, “hey, you don’t look like you’re feeling well,” or “wow, you look tired.” Yes, I’m tired, and no, I’m not sick, I’m just hideously ugly without my Estee Lauder Halloween mask.

Trying to eat breakfast while listening to a report is a challenge, even for me. Now, I have a strong stomach but why does every one of my patients have to have all the problems with feces, vomit and pus? I listen as I shove my half-rotten banana down my throat and envy someone else’s McDonald’s. Everyone else seems much more organized and fresh. I can hardly keep my eyes open to listen to the report. Looks like I got Mrs. Nurse, “I want out of here.” to give me a report, because she reports like she’s Speedy Gonzales, and she just keeps hastily saying, “It’s on the chart,” when I ask questions. Gawd, it’s going to be a long day.

I feel like I ran a marathon, and it’s only 7:30 am Time flies when you’re having fun! Assess and pass medications, doesn’t sound too bad, right? Haha, wrong. All my patients are train wrecks these days, on a million and one medications, and we don’t have half of them. It’s a call down to pharmacy time, and I’m now doing the zombie chant, “I love my job, I love my job.” out loud

I’m already dreaming about going to bed, but I complete my assessments without too much trouble. Well, except for the sweet old, demented lady who keeps asking me to find her socks, (when she has them both). The patient next to her thinks the mob is plotting to kill him and Mr. Gross, who keeps asking me to give him a bed bath. Tell me why I became a nurse again?

I finish my morning mapping, and I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall. If I don’t get copious amounts of strongly caffeinated coffee, I’ll be on the floor. It’s time for a quick run down to the cafe to grab some. Ah, what do you know? They have some, but it’s so old and strong, it’s ready to grow legs and go off on its own. What the hell, I need coffee! So I pay their stinking millions of dollars for a large coffee and run upstairs for more “Nightmare on Elm Street,” starring my boss as Freddie Krueger.

She is hell on wheels today, as she is most days. She sits at the desk and barks orders at us, and she’s pretty clueless about what real nursing is. The only time she rises from the dead to lend a hand is when the Joint Commission is here, and she suddenly turns into Nancy Nurse and has everyone reciting the mission statement.

While I was gone one of my patients fell out of bed trying to get away from the mob that guy came to visit. I can only think of more paper. The patient is perfectly fine, but I have a hundred years of paper now. As I begin work on the book I have to write, another patient’s family member comes to visit. She wants to talk to me, so I stop what I’m doing and rush to the patient’s room. She tells me she’s not a nurse and says, “I’m not trying to do your job, but my friend works in a nursing home, and she does something medical. She said you have my Mother on too many antibiotics. and that she is in the wrong kind.” Hmmm, really? By this time I’ve reached my boiling point, but I’m still trying to be nice. “Well, let me check on that and get back to you.” I say cheerfully as I mumble under my breath as I walk away.

8 hours pass, and I’m still flying around like a witch on her broom. My mapping isn’t done yet, and I’m getting further behind with every step I take. One great thing about being a nurse is that time goes by so quickly because you’re never coming up for air.

At the end of each day, my bladder hurts from the need to pee. I think I might win a hold-your-piss contest downstairs! I’m an animal! My stomach is rumbling from the lack of food and this day is quickly becoming more like stories from the crypt. All I can think about is getting the heck out of dodge. But over-time quickly becomes a hesitant possibility. When will this end?

I manage to finish my paperwork, and my patients are finally happy, (for now). Could it really be over? My relief arrives, and I run into her arms like a curious love story. Glad it’s over for today. I can go home. Yes! I run to my car, noticing that it’s a full moon outside, even though I could have told you that without looking. I get into my car, start my engine and take a deep breath. I look in the rearview mirror and jump out of my wits with fear. There is a scary monster looking back at me. Oh wait, that’s just me after the 12 hour shift from hell.

On the way home I reflect on my day. I realize I’m a wreck, but in a good way. I wouldn’t take anything for the witches I work with and the diabolical patients I occasionally encounter. I love my life as a nurse and wouldn’t trade it for all the money in the world. It might be nuts, but it’s my life and I love being a zombie nurse. Maybe I’ll just give up on sleeping when I’m dead.

This is dedicated to all my zombie nurse friends around the world. Happy Halloween Zombie Nurses! You are absolutely amazing!

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