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How to Cope with Sudden Death
Are you completely overwhelmed by the unexpected death of a loved one? Frozen in time? Is it numb? Not knowing where to turn? All this and more happens every day and it can only be described in one word: Normal. But whether normal or not, its effect is chilling, something that no one who has never had the experience can understand.
I took that trip with my wife, so I speak from some experience of it. However, I don’t pretend to know what anyone else might feel. Every grief is different because every relationship is one of a kind.
In my case, my wife and I found our four-month-old daughter dead in her crib. I gave her mouth to mouth, and my wife called the paramedics, who rushed her to the hospital. All to no avail.
So what can you do? Or what could you do to help someone else reeling from the sudden death of a loved one?
1. Do what comes naturally. It was crying for us as we walked home, which was very far from the hospital emergency room. We refused a ride because we needed to be alone. Expression of whatever you have inside is critical. In this case, we were lucky to have each other to cry with.
2. Look for the privacy you need. We were in an unfamiliar city, having made a temporary move earlier in the summer. In some strange way, our privacy was being on the sidewalk, the two of us, with all the buzzing traffic and hurried people passing by. They had no idea what was going on in our hearts and minds. You may have to be away from everyone or only with one special person.
3. Be with those you trust the most, who will allow you to be who you are, without directions. It will help you tremendously if you can have at least one person to direct whatever you are feeling to. Be sure to talk about your anger, which is not uncommon. You may have to hug or hold someone like it’s your only hope.
4. If the primary mourner is alone when he/she receives the news, and you also know what happened, go to that person immediately. If he/she wants to be alone, you will be told so. More likely, your presence by itself will be a thread of security for the person.
5. Find out all you can about how the death occurred. It will help you understand and process the events leading up to death. It may mean that you or someone close to you will need to contact the doctor or nurse or whoever else was on the scene.
6. If possible, look at the body. If there was facial disfigurement, cover the loved one’s face and at least look at the hands or arms. You may need to be alone with the body. Ask for that time, and tell others to let you do and say what you feel. If you are providing support to someone, you may want to ask the person if they would like to be with the loved one in this way, especially if there will be a closed casket.
7. You may have to put your grief on hold if you are the only person who is expected to make all the arrangements for services and burial. The same can be true if you are responsible for children who were very close to the deceased. And it’s okay to do that.
8. On the other hand, your shock and disbelief at this tragic event may last longer than is usually expected. Again, stick around those you trust. You may then need to ask others to help with arrangements and legal matters if you do not feel confident handling them at this time. This is common and totally acceptable.
9. Because it was a sudden death, there was no time to say goodbye. However, you can still do this when you are ready. Find a quiet place in your home or another special place that is private. Place a photo of your loved one on a chair across from you and say whatever is on your heart. Many people found comfort and solace in this farewell.
To summarize, because all grief is unique, the response to sudden death is unpredictable. Be especially prepared to lean on others for help and expect the usual reactions to the death of a loved one to be prolonged and persist for a longer time.
Throughout the process do not keep your pain and sadness inside. Keep releasing those feelings and talk to those who recognize your long-term need for good listeners. And I emphasize long term. Be sure to deal with guilt and anger and don’t let it build up and make you stuck in your grief.
When your grief seems to persist and you feel like you’re not making progress, look into joining a support group. There are also many grief therapists who deal with sudden deaths in their practices who can help you regain your balance. Both of these remedies are proven aids to those dealing with sudden deaths. Most importantly, be open to the search for new ways of seeing the world, the terrible death of your loved one, and to find what others have done to ease the pain.
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