How Many Words Should A 3 1/2 Year Old Know Vermilion Cliffs Sand Hills Loop, Bad As You Wanna Be

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Vermilion Cliffs Sand Hills Loop, Bad As You Wanna Be

The land on that “hike” is under the jurisdiction of the Vermilion Cliffs National Monument. Do not deface or collect here. I see that “Tom” was in the Eastern Sand Hills Crack on New Year’s Day, 1932. He left his mark. It was not a National Park then. LEAVE NO TRACE. At first I left “hike” in parentheses. Michael Kelsey calls this area a hiking area. It’s an independent route-finding struggle from start to finish here. It’s sick, brutal, gnarly, nasty (and rewarding). i love it can you do it You will know soon.

Okee Dokee, Michael Kelsey is the only one who writes about this hike, so buy his book so you know what mile on Hwy. 89A on the Arizona Strip to turn off at. Now throw the book in the trunk and read this.

Kelsey is almost 70 years old and apparently still walks at seven miles per hour fast on vertical inclines. Congratulations Michael, I see you are as dangerous as ever. I bought your new 5th. Edition of “Meddling and Exploration of the River Paria” and the pictures are in color! But you are still dangerous. While the kids won’t need inner tubes on this one, they will need a respirator. So not only is this outing as bad as you want it to be, but MK is also as bad as you want it to be. Again, the good thing about this guy is that he goes where no one else goes (and can sometimes lead you to the trail-but not on this hike).

Oh, I mean I’m almost 60 and this is the second time I’ve done the East to North Rifts. I am in extremely excellent condition. It takes me twice as long to do things as Kelsey.

Most 30-year-olds can’t keep up with me.

The hike: 6 hours, and we walked almost non-stop for ten minutes for lunch. The route number you turn north from 89A is #1396. The parking lot at Jacob’s Pool is 2 miles north on this sandy road. The Jeep made it within 1/8 mile of James where the last ravine was washed out. Get out of your car! Look north at the Vermilion Cliffs. No, not northwest at a wide sand slide. There is a narrower sand slide to the north. That’s right, it’s not climbable. That’s slang for “you can’t climb”. Now, just east of this thin sand slide is a sand MOUNTAIN. It is climbable. You are aiming for the extreme eastern side of this sand hill. You won’t be able to orient yourself again until you’re on it. We will do the loop counterclockwise. You will see why. It is brutality but easiest. Michael is full of blah blah but never mind Rachel Lee’s old stone house. There are about 50 old ruins and they have no signs on them. So from James the old road goes east along the fence. He is right about it being washed away when it turns north. You are looking for the main source, as he says. Cat tails! That’s what you’re looking for! There is only one place with many pits! Now he talks about an “emerging migration route”. What in the world does that mean? Coming out of your chest like the “Alien”? I once had an album called “Emerge the Litter”. Does it have anything to do with the group “The Litter”? No, it is not cairned as he says. About 6 people a year do this hike and they are all “hard core”. Probably none of the 6 will show up here right when you’re here. We don’t need smelly badges. From the pits go northeast. The hiking is brutal here and doesn’t get any easier. Go home if you can’t hack the sand and ball bearings anymore. Start early in the morning and you can tell northeast by the sun. Finally, about an hour from where you parked (at Jakob) you will reach the sand hill. Remember you want the extreme east side of it. There is an intermittent path here and there on the sand hill and maybe one cairn somewhere. At 1 1/4 hours the road you should be on crosses a wash at a huge black rock on the right. Now after a few minutes the road disappears. Look, this is an independent hardcore expedition. The right way may be up the wash “stairs”, but we chose to go up because we will have to go up.

If you want to follow me, take the clay looking alluvial fan straight up to the left. Do you want to go home now? The “East Rift” is now obvious to your northeast and also holds that way. Straight for me. You’re on the right track if you see the lizard petroglyph climbing the wall on the left. This was at 1 hour 50 minutes. Michael counts 6-7 petroglyph panels. It’s more than that. The second panel (also left 2 o’clock) is 6 beautiful Bighorns. At 2 1/4 hours you will see what looks like a dam (there is also a bunch of dead Junipers) as you continue straight up. You can do this. I am 60 years old. This dam looking thing is what Kelsey calls a “constructed cattle road”. Climb the wall and go left on the path for about 5 feet where it ends. Now straight up again to the top (many more cool pets.). 2 1/2 hours to the top. Of course Kelsey goes up and back to her car so quickly. What BS for most mortals! Anyway, leave a huge cairn at the edge on your way out (there’s that word again) from the slot in case you get lost and have to come back to descend.

What’s next? Bear west along the edge. What is referred to as an easy and flat edge walk in “Hiking and Exploring the Paria River” is anything but. I’m no Jack Kennedy, but I’m pretty sure I know an easy edge walk. This edge walk is through loose sand, over and under rock formations, through obscure trails, blah blah. Anyway, reach an unused double track (Bingo, MK is right on this landmark) in 1 to 1 1/2 hours from Eastern Crack. It took us 1 1/4 with our 10 minute lunch. At the two-track look over the edge to the west. There you will go down. Let me explain something. The walk would be easier about 1/4 mile inland from the rim but we wanted to stay oriented to our Jeep and James because we learned DON’T TRUST MICHAEL KELSEY. If you didn’t make it to the double track in 1 1/2 hours, go back to your huge cairn and go down East Rift.

Follow the track away from the edge (north) for 5 or 10 minutes. When it bears directly north away from the rim, you bear directly south. It is a bit disorienting when the chute down is reached. The standard three-legged trapezoid petroglyph tells you that you are in the right place. Now reluctantly I will give THE AUTHOR credit. He does mark the Northern Crack rock art just right, which will keep you from thinking you’re lost. The way down the North Rift took us 1 1/2 hours!!! You will be “cliffed” 3 or 4 times, but you will get around these. The Ancients did, I did, and you will. The safety is always on the left. You’ll make it because you don’t want to go back up the North Rift I think. I’ve never said “crap” as often as I did when I went down this chute, but you’ll still understand that anti-clockwise was the right choice for this hike. Loose, dangerous and demanding. Don’t lose focus here, tired or not. Focus on the work.

Finally we land at the bottom. Each hiker had a gallon of water when they set out. It should be gone. Now comes the first break in the entire hike after 5 1/2 hours. Walk south in the relaxing flat wash. On reaching a fence line exit the wash on the left. Go through a hole in the fence and walk overland to your vehicle. 1/2 hour after reaching the wash at the bottom of Northern Crack you drink ice water at your vehicle.

MK did this loop in under 4 hours. Give me a break. I have been a hiking fanatic for 20 years. Guy is crazy… and writes hiking books. Maybe I wonder how he sweeps me off my feet. I will toss a coin. No, he’s crazy.

Oh, never try a hike that Kelsey says took 7 hours. You have been warned. DON’T BLAME HIM, HE’S JUST “THE AUTHOR”.

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