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Expat Parenting: Adjusting to Family Life Abroad

How does parenting as an expat differ from parenting at home? Just like the three rules of real estate are location, location and location, the three rules of parenting, most would agree are love, love and love. We may differ widely in how we express that love, depending on our personalities and how love was expressed to us as children. And even within the same family, some kids seem to need “tough love” while others need lots of snuggle time. But all children need to feel loved and I believe that a primary task of parenting is to let children know that they are lovable.

When parenting as an expat in a foreign country, and especially in a third world country, I would add another three rules of parenting; support, support and more support; first for ourselves as parents, and second for our families. I often think of the monotone speech from the airline about putting on your own oxygen mask before helping your child or someone else. To me this is a clear metaphor for parenting: If I can’t breathe, how can I help my child or anyone else?

One of the main ways that parenting as an expat differs from parenting at home, at least initially, is the lack of our usual support network of family and close friends. And if we are a non-working spouse, we may also lack the emotional support of our partner, who is often up to his eyes in new challenges and responsibilities, and simply doesn’t have much to give at the end of the day. (More on that later.)

So finding ways to get the support we need as parents is a primary concern for expats, especially non-working parents. Fortunately, in most major cities around the world there are organizations that help expats, especially expat women find support. We may also find, once settled, that we have more time on our hands due to (hopefully) capable domestic staff, which I will also discuss later.

I would encourage stay-at-home expat parents to find something to do that you are passionate about. It can be something you have done before or something completely new that you would like to explore. If you think back and remember a time when you did something that felt like a few minutes, and when you looked at the clock an hour had passed, it was doing something that you felt passionate about. It can be learning something new, like the local language, yoga, volunteering at an NGO or your child’s school. Just make sure it’s an activity that involves others, as this is a fantastic way to bond and start building a new support network.

As suggested earlier, it can be a loose/loose proposition for the non-working spouse to look to their partner to meet all of her emotional needs. In fact, I’ve heard women say that being an expat wife is like being a single parent with no dating privileges!

While this may be an exaggeration, it is important to remember that you simply cannot squeeze blood out of a stone. If your spouse feels exhausted, stressed and overworked, he won’t have much to give. Even more reason to start building a support system outside of your home. And the same is true for the working parent. If he or she returns home at the end of the day and expects his partner to be a supportive shoulder to lean on, this may be met with some unexpected results. Especially if the stay-at-home parent has been providing support all day and has not received their own needs for support.

Children may also miss the working parent with whom they enjoyed a close relationship in the past. They may be confused and angry that they have so little time with their dad or mom. It’s important to really listen to your child’s feelings without trying to brush them off. Parents must act as a “container” for their children’s strong emotions. I often use the analogy of the milk carton: If a quarter of milk is spilled on the kitchen floor, it’s a big mess, but if the same amount of milk is in a carton in the fridge, it’s not a problem.

So allow your children to have their feelings and teach them how to express their feelings in a safe way. If a child is angry, for example, research has shown that speeding up an activity or slowing it down are effective tools. For example, you can suggest that your child run both up and down the stairs counting to 100 forwards and backwards depending on her age. Any repetitive activity that increases heart rate while also giving the mind something to occupy itself with other than anger will work. Slowing down activity consists of slow breathing, with your child repeatedly counting to 4 complete breaths, inhaling and exhaling to the count of one, and so on. You can also make him lie down holding a pillow. As he breathes in, have him squeeze the pillow as hard as he can, count to three, and breathe out slowly. The next time your child has a tantrum, try these tools, they work!

At the same time, it is important to offer reassurance to your children that they are deeply loved by both parents. If possible, try to plan one family event each week, such as dinner or Sunday brunch together. Ideally, children should also be able to have some alone time with each parent whenever convenient.

An aspect of parenting that tends to come up in third world countries is the need to explain various topics and customs that are new to you and your children. Issues such as your own and your children’s relationship to domestic staff and poverty are two of the most obvious.

Most Westerners have never dealt with the problems that having domestic servants brings, other than a weekly cleaner. This is a far cry from having someone who is not a member of your family in your home every day. Concepts of privacy and boundaries that we take for granted are really culture-bound, and most people in third world countries don’t understand them. This is an area in which we can learn from fellow ex-migrants about what has and hasn’t worked for them. Caution: I suggest you keep your “problems” with domestic workers with friends at home. I found that they have no sympathy for us in this respect!

It is important for you and your family that you find people to work for you that you can truly trust. There’s honestly no need to settle for anything less. This may take several rounds of hiring and firing, but in the end it’s worth every minute. How you speak and relate to your staff naturally sets the tone for how your children will behave. I have heard teenagers order staff in condescending ways. This is a good opportunity to impress upon your children how important it is to treat all people with dignity and respect.

You may find that a younger child quickly becomes attached to a nanny or caregiver. This can cause concern, even envy and jealousy, that your children seem to relate better to their nanny than to you. There could be a number of reasons for this: Your child may resent you for causing this change in her life, or it may be an indication that she is not getting the kind of love from you that she needs. Be open to exploring this honestly with a new friend, spouse or therapist should this happen.

Let me say a word about poverty in third world countries: This is a whole topic in itself and one that expat kids have a lot of questions about, especially when it comes to child begging. Children have different responses to this, depending on their age and ability to know information. Most importantly, they need to know that everyone is treated with the same kind of respect, regardless of who they are. If they want to help and are old enough, you may want to suggest ways you can volunteer together to help children, or they can participate in a volunteer project at school. Treating this issue as a learning moment about basic human dignity will do your child a lifelong service.

A challenge that appears in some Asian cities is that outdoor activities are limited for some of the year due to heat. If you have young children who are used to playing outside, this can become a problem for both children and parents. Arranging play dates whenever possible is a partial solution. If you decide to hire a nanny, make sure she’s someone who likes to get down on the floor and play with kids. If she’s not comfortable with this, she probably won’t be the best person for your child. Fortunately, most international schools have a wide variety of after-school activities to keep your children busy.

If you remember the 3 rules of expat parenting, support, support and more support, you will find that adjusting to family life abroad will be rewarding for you and your children. And when all else fails, talk to family and friends on Skype!

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