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Do You Understand Emotional Intelligence?

Emotional intelligence is a valuable skill because it means you know how to work with all kinds of people, understand them and get along with them. Once you understand emotional intelligence, you can see the people around you who have it, and those who don’t: at work, in politics, in the media, and in your neighborhood. The media uses both EI and EQ (like IQ) as shortcuts for emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is similar to empathy. It is the ability to “read” other people’s feelings, and respond in an appropriate way. Emotionally intelligent people succeed because they form good bonds with others, are trusted and liked. When you understand how and when to be nice, supportive, direct and reliable or gentle with people, they trust you and learn to trust you. This creates a framework for business and personal interactions that form lasting, productive relationships.

To develop emotional intelligence, you must learn to focus not only on your own wants and needs, but the wants and needs of others. This requires learning delayed gratification, patience and concern for more than just the bottom line. Emotional Intelligence is also essentially emotional maturity, which means that your mind can manage your emotions. According to Goleman, the five characteristics of emotional intelligence are: Self-awareness, Self-regulation, Motivation, Empathy and Social Skills.

• Self-awareness: People with high EI understand their emotions, and because of this they do not let their feelings control them. They know the difference between feeling and thinking, and can use thinking to moderate feelings, without ignoring them or canceling them out. They are confident – because they trust their intuition and their good judgment, which is a result of using feelings and intelligent thought to assess situations. People who have emotional intelligence are willing to look at themselves honestly, see themselves realistically. They know their strengths and weaknesses, and they work on these areas so they can perform better. They have realistic positive self-esteem, which means they have reasonable standards for their own good behavior. They care about others, but are not codependent. They can set boundaries for their own self-protection. This self-awareness is an essential foundation of EI.

• Self-Regulation: Also known as self-control and impulse control, this is the ability to control emotions and impulses. People who are self-regulated usually don’t let themselves get too angry or jealous; they don’t have temper tantrums or hysterical outbursts and they don’t make impulsive, careless decisions. They think before they act or react. Characteristics of self-regulation are thoughtfulness, comfort with change, integrity, and the ability to say no. They are good at delayed gratification, understanding that waiting for what they want can bring better results. They operate on an internal code of ethics rather than a standard of behavior that is imposed from the outside.

• Motivation: People with a high degree of EI are usually motivated. They are willing to postpone immediate results for long-term success. They are very productive, love a challenge and are very efficient in everything they do. They understand that motivation comes from celebration and appreciation, and are willing to motivate themselves and others when appropriate.

• Empathy: This is the ability to identify and understand the wants, needs and viewpoints of those around you. Empathetic people are able to recognize the feelings of others, even when those feelings may not be obvious. As a result, empathetic people are usually excellent at managing relationships, listening and relating to others. They avoid stereotyping and judging too quickly, and they live their lives in a very open, honest way. They exhibit generosity and kindness, and a positive attitude towards others.

• Social Skills: Good social skills are another sign of high EI. They know how to work together, to be team players. Rather than focusing on their own success first, they understand that success comes from helping others develop and shine. They can manage disputes, are excellent communicators and are masters at building and maintaining relationships. In addition to the empathy on which these social skills are based, people with high EI are also capable of patience, generosity, reliability, gratitude, sympathy and they are emotionally responsive.

Here’s how to recognize emotional intelligence in yourself and others:

1. What is one indication that a person has no EQ?

He or she has no idea how to respond to a statement or question about emotions. “How do you feel about…” only elicits what he or she is thinking, if anything.

2. What is the downside of dating someone with little or no emotional intelligence? It’s not very satisfying, because we all like to have emotional understanding and empathy. It also means that the person will not be good at listening or empathizing with your experience.

3. If we cannot detect any emotional intelligence, should we distance ourselves from the person?

If the relationship is going well, it’s going well. This question is not important. If you are frustrated by a lack of emotional intelligence, and everything else is fine, you could try to teach it, draw it out of your friend, relative or partner, but it takes a lot of patience. It’s like explaining feelings to a three-year-old.

4. What if the person has some EQ? What can you do to help them develop more EQ?

Be very responsive and helpful when his or her EQ is displayed. If he or she does something thoughtful, be sure and express your gratitude. If she or he listens sympathetically to you or someone else, praise him or her for it.

5. What is one way we can encourage others to continue to be emotionally present and intelligent?

Be emotionally responsive to him or her. Give him or her room to respond to you emotionally and thoughtfully; don’t be impatient, it is not very emotionally intelligent.

6. Why are people with good EQ desirable?

High emotional intelligence creates closeness, comfort, empathy and love in your relationship. It’s easy to have fun or share feelings with someone with a high EQ. You can count on a high EQ person to be kind and considerate.

To develop emotional intelligence:

Before starting any new encounter or activity, take the following steps:

1. Mental note of the possibilities: Can you learn something there? Can you meet a new friend? Will just getting out of the house and around new people feel good?

2. Remember your goals: You are going there to enjoy the people there and to have fun.

3. Review your positive personal qualities: What do your friends like about you? What do you like about yourself? Your intelligence, your sense of humor, your style, your conversational skills? Are you a kind and caring person? Reminding yourself of these qualities means you will radiate that positive energy.

4. Have a positive outlook: Research shows that people who have a positive outlook have better lives, in part because a positive attitude is attractive and endearing, and people are drawn to it. As a result, you make friends. When you are positive, you support yourself and others, you notice the good things more than the bad things, which makes it easier to connect with others. Plus, you feel a lot better about yourself, which means you feel more worthy of friends. It’s a positive spiral, and goes up and up.

5. Be interesting: Wear attractive, but interesting, clothing-something that reflects who you are. If you like to travel, for example, wear a shirt, scarf, tie, or jewelry from another country, or wear something that reflects your ethnic background, or hobby (sports, outdoors, Hawaiian-style shirt with surfboards, gardening, or animal print). It will help start conversations. Match your energy to the energy of the people around you. Obviously, if you are dancing or eating barbecue by the pool, the energy level will be quite high. If you’re having quiet conversations over a cocktail party, discussing books, taking a class, or sitting down to dinner, the energy will be softer and more focused.

6. Pay attention: Look around you, and look to make friends. Notice who is around you and what is interesting or attractive about them, find something interesting about what they are wearing and complete it. “Excuse me, but I couldn’t help but notice that gorgeous color; it looks great on you.” or, “What an interesting watch! Does it have a story?”

7. Prepare ahead of time: Read up on some fascinating topics to talk about – the backstory of a hit movie, some new technological advance, or a cool new trend. Then, when someone wants to talk to you, you’ll have something to say.

8. Find a way to help: What needs to be done that you might enjoy? If you are in a new environment, I recommend finding a “job” to do. Don’t just say “What can I do to help?” Instead, volunteer for something specific: to greet people and show them around, or keep the food table filled, or refill drinks. It will give you a sense of belonging, a great excuse to meet everyone, and you’ll be busy enough to keep your nervousness at bay. The host or host will be grateful and remember you later.

9. Follow up: If you do meet someone you’d like to get to know better, follow up the event or meeting with an invitation for coffee. The best friendships begin in these social situations.

Emotionally Intelligent conversations are like tennis matches. That is, the other person “serves” he or she asks a question or makes a statement. Then, you “volley” back you answer the question with the kind of answer that invites a response. For example:

He: “How do you know our host?”

You: “We went to school together. I like Pam’s friendship, don’t you?”

This invites your partner to respond, and continues the “volley”. If the conversation thread ends, the next “serve” is yours. If you have to restart the conversation too often, excuse yourself and move on. That person is not interested enough. If you force the other person to do all the conversational “work” he or she will move forward quite quickly. Monosyllabic answers are a pretty clear indication of a lack of interest, even if you didn’t mean it to be that way. Instead, turn on your charm, and the other person will want more time with you.

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