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Why Manners Matter
“… the principle of civil reciprocity is a solid one, so it is occasion for a total and amazing contempt that seems to be on its way out.” Lynne Truss smokes in her wonderful hot-headed bestseller, Talk to the #?* hand! The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today, or six good reasons to stay home and slam the door.
“Shut up mom!” shouts a three-year-old girl from her perch in the grocery cart. “Is that all there is?” a six-year-old’s request, as he awkwardly chooses a lollipop from the bag of rewards his teacher just gave him. “I was going to invite my friend Jordan, but I couldn’t do it, so I had to invite…” complains a 13-year-old boy to a classmate, while chewing a huge bite of a sandwich… with the open mouth…
“I don’t want to get ready for a cotillion, maybe I could just make him look at me and stop texting for a moment when I ask him about his day?” says the father of sixth grader Stephanie.
People mourn the loss of etiquette. The search term that brings the highest number of people to my parenting blog, day after day, year after year is “baby ways.” Parents want their children to be well mannered and they themselves would like to be treated with dignity and respect… maybe even a little deference.
Kids are kids and they are expected to say outrageous things from time to time. The days of “children should be seen and not heard” are long gone. In any case, the children must be trained to not only put their napkins in their lap, but to be aware that they are members of a great global society. As the credit card commercial says, “Membership has its perks.” Membership also has its responsibilities, the biggest responsibility, value to other members.
If the children are not showing good manners, it is not a big stretch to assume that the parents are not teaching and/or modeling good manners. A father, who demonstrates bourgeois manners, gives the green light to his son to use bourgeois manners; Dad might even think it’s funny when his son acts out in public. The problem is that we (instructors, teachers, coaches, admission officers, and bosses) do not find the child’s behavior funny, and we (instructors, teachers, coaches, admission officers, and bosses) pass quickly. Unfortunately, the sick child never had a chance; his father selected his behavior, and the consequences of this behavior, for him.
Why don’t parents teach manners if they want their children to use good manners, and they know that their children must exhibit good manners to succeed?
It seems, from the many parents I have interviewed, that parents today are not too keen on being the “bad guys” for their children. Parents want their children to have manners, but they struggle to correct their children’s bad behavior. “I hate coming home from work after not seeing my kids all day and having to start disciplining their behavior; I’d rather just mess with them.”
Other parents have not received the manners that are being formed, so teaching manners to their children is not an option. “I feel at a huge disadvantage. I wasn’t taught manners as a child and I’m very uncomfortable in certain social situations. I struggle at business events because, I hate to admit, I don’t have much tact. sometimes, inadvertently , I blurted out some inane and completely inappropriate comments. I don’t even know where to start teaching a better way to behave.”
It is not uncommon to hear parents today say that their children are “gifted”, “brilliant”, “proof of genius”, or possess “perfect pitch”. Maybe these parents are so busy pointing out the great, it’s hard to see the not so great? Maybe these parents are afraid if they say something that is considered negative or judgmental, they will damage the psyche of their children? Maybe pointing out the child’s “not so great” behavior makes the parent seem “not so great”?
Many people hypothesize the reasons behind (for the subtitle in Lynn Truss’s book), “The Utter Bloody Rudeness of the World Today”. Perhaps the trend is a consequence of the high divorce rates, the increase of parental homes, the large number of two working parents, political correctness, video games, the Media, the Internet, the pornification of the company… maybe a combination of the list? But is the question even relevant? None of these “possible causes” are going away anytime soon.
So it becomes our job as parents to accept the culture as it is today, and teach our children good manners. Arming our children with manners and values allows them the opportunity to make a good choice when faced with the curve balls, “the world” will inevitably pull at them.
The respect and valuing of others, the development of a high integrity and that others feel at ease, are probably the key reasons that society practices good manners. Manners put us at ease with those people we know. Manners make us feel safe around complete strangers.
It would be anxiety provoking, to say the least, if there were no rules of social etiquette. What if, when browsing through a clothes rack in the mall, it was perfectly acceptable for the stranger browsing next to us, coveting the discounted blouse we got earlier, to punch one in the jaw and wrestle us to the floor for the dress? How often do we go to the mall?
It is good that social standards have relaxed in the last 75 years. Rigidity and strict rules do not suit today’s world. Pinafores, cotillions, white gloves, dessert spoons, sipping tea from the saucer, and pillbox hats seemed out of place in most social circles. But the basic principles of etiquette are still strong and true.
Proper table manners, pleasant conversation skills, appropriate dress, and the use of touch are social graces that make interacting with others easy and enjoyable. The rules of etiquette that embrace the objectives of respecting and valuing others, having a high integrity and putting others at their ease, make life with them easy. It’s hard to argue the merit of a good label.
Fail to teach children manners and fails. Without proper training, children will run into awkward situations as they mature that will likely limit their options for success. We want our children to be participating members of a thriving and exciting civil society. The last thing parents want for their children is for them to “Stay at home and slam the door.”
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