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Divorced But Not Over It?

Shrink About This

The divorce may be final, but is the pain and anger still eating away at you? Here are ten tips to help you process the hurt and get on with your life.

1. PHYSICAL DAMAGES

Prolonged anxiety, stress or agony of any kind will hurt you physically, not just emotionally. Go to the track and run away from the hurt, lift weights and scream, dance until you sweat. Eat well and drink water, not alcohol. Give your body a break. Self-destruction will not restore the relationship. If you have lost or suicidal feelings, ask your doctor for antidepressants for a few months.

2. THINK IN TERMS OF SUCCESS

If you managed to have a relationship, any relationship, even if it ended badly, at least you knew passion, partnership and maybe, fatherhood. All that can include pain, too. Would you rather never feel anything for anyone?

3. SAVE THE CHILDREN

Are you trying to continue being a good parent, but your ex-partner prefers to get rid of you? This situation can push the panic buttons desperately. Remember the story of Solomon and the two mothers. Let the child live in peace and stay as involved as possible. When the child is around ten, they see the truth. Just give consistent and unconditional love and time will do the rest. Never make the mistake of yelling at your children out of frustration with your partner or making the children the mediator.

4. RARELY HOT

Hot anger is, well, hot and not that different from passion. If you are always involved in someone else’s life and what they say or do, you still care. If a stranger said or did similar things would it bother you? Probably not. Admit that you still care and get professional help to deal with love left masquerading as hate.

5. BLIND FOR THE NEXT

While you’re pouting in the corner, your perfect match can be watched. If you are still all entangled in your old dead relationship, don’t notice. Double loss.

6. GET OUT OF TOWN

Remove yourself from the triggers that trigger the feelings again. Take a trip to Rome or Baltimore, anywhere new and different to help put a relationship crisis into perspective. It’s just a relationship. As much as it may hurt now, it is not HIV or life-threatening cancer. I’ll find you again.

7. NUMBERS REALITY

It is true that of all marriages in America, 50% of first marriages end in divorce and 67% of second and 74% of third marriages also end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forestry Institute of Professional Psychology. The distribution as shown at http://www.divorcerate.org/ is as follows:

Age at marriage for those who divorce in America

Age Women Men

Under 20 years 27.6% 11.7%

20 to 24 years 36.6% 38.8%

25 to 29 years 16.4% 22.3%

30 to 34 years 8.5% 11.6%

35 to 39 years 5.1% 6.5%

Relationships are much harder to keep together in this time of stress and easy divorce, especially if you were too young.

8. Take RESPONSIBILITY

No matter how terrible your relationship may be right now, you made a long series of choices that got you to this place. Take responsibility for your fifty percent of all decisions and even problems. The blame game is immature and fruitless. Learn from your mistakes and try harder next time by choosing a more compatible partner or learning to be a better partner.

9. LONG TERM

If you share a child, you will also share nieces and nephews at weddings, graduations and birthdays. Animosity for the past will affect the lives of your future descendants as long as you live or as long as you hold grudges. Innocent sweets will love grandma and grandpa and your poison at their parties will poison them. It is not fair for children. If you stay in the same city, your friends and colleagues will compensate for your wrong relationship and inadequacy to replace the hurt feelings. Supervisors can read that as inadequate to solve other problems and move on to the next promotion. Like rings from a stone in a pond, bad vibes will spread around you.

10. TIME IS SHORT

Your life is ticking away. Rather, don’t you want to smile, sail, walk, discover new miracles of science or gardening, instead of waging war?

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