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Using Anger Instead of Grief
I remember shortly after losing my father that I felt angry. But why? I have asked myself this question many times over the course of my life, usually after someone I cared about died. Here are a few things I’ve learned on my journey of self-discovery.
Sooner or later everyone leaves – or dies.
This is one of the truths that we all must eventually come to terms with. We will lose people throughout our lives. Some of these losses will make us sad and angry, while others will not. I had to wonder why this is true and I learned that it has a lot to do with our connections to the person we lost.
When my father died, I was very sad at first, but then I got angry. How could he leave us? How could he just give up the fight and die? Why didn’t he receive treatments earlier? For what? For what? FOR WHAT? This has been the hardest time for me regarding this situation. I was newly married and had a mother and four younger sisters who depended on me for help. I soon began to see that my questions were a little irrational. After all, dad didn’t make the choice to die and leave his family, did he?
I realized that he was angry because he left me to deal with my brothers and my mother alone, and he wouldn’t be there for me! Yes, I was angry our selfish. Father left me to fend for myself for life. Without his help, guidance and understanding. I was really angry, angry at God. It wasn’t fair!
But soon the anger left me as life progressed and it wasn’t until I lost my husband a few years later that this horrible anger resurfaced. I quickly recognized the symptoms. Feelings of abandonment, loss of support and love from the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Being forced into single motherhood, and something more. This time I was angry with my husband. Because he refused to see a doctor even after we begged him to go. This was an instance where it would take a long time to stop blaming and forgive him for leaving him alone.
After a while I remarried, but that marriage too ended in loss. Another kind of loss. This time it was the loss of a dream. All I really wanted back then was to be a wife and mother. Oh, I know that sounds corny now, but it’s the truth. This time my marriage was stolen by alcoholism. He came, took my husband and destroyed our life. I never thought I could ever get a divorce, but the alcohol abuse and the violence that came with it changed my opinion.
My anger at losing my self-respect by allowing myself to become an abused spouse was debilitating. But eventually he forgave me for being so weak and promised to never lose that part of myself again, and I never will. I remarried several years later and this time everything seemed to fall into place, until…
Cancer took my husband and left me with a thirteen-month-old son and three other children. Angry probably isn’t the best word. I guess you’d say I was mad at God for doing this again. How could he leave me like that? What about my children? But, again, time passed I learned something. Again I was reminded of my selfishness. It was one night when my son told me that he felt sad that his father had died because now he could not take him fishing. Speak out of the children’s mouths!
It was the slap I needed. Nobody, God, did anything to me. It was just that my husband’s time had come. His cycle of life had run its course. It wasn’t a deliberate attempt to hurt me, or destroy me. And I don’t believe it was some kind of test. It was just what it was.
Since then I have suffered more losses of family and friends. But I see now that anger, whether short-term or long-term, is really a natural reaction to having something taken from you. A reaction to feelings that you have no control, that you are missing something you value in your life.
No one really knows what happens when you die. We have beliefs, certainly, but to the best of my knowledge, no one really knows. With this uncertainty comes fear, and in fear we find a reaction like anger. Yes, anger can be the result of fear. It’s that thing that pumps adrenaline through your blood and prepares you for fight or flight.
But fear can also teach us. If you are angry after the loss of a loved one, do not feel ashamed or alone. It is one of the natural progressions through the cycle of pain, as death is the natural progression of the cycle of life. Look deep into your anger and see if you can just be afraid to live without…
Eventually the anger will go away and bittersweet memories will emerge to take their place… Really! I know, been there, done that.
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