How To Slow Down A 3 Month Old Dating Relationship Dating Radar – Don’t Fall For A High-Conflict Partner

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Dating Radar – Don’t Fall For A High-Conflict Partner

Dating has changed. Whether you’re a teenager just starting out, or in your 20s or 30s trying to find the love of your life, or in your 40s, 50s or 60s (or even older) and dating again, it’s a different world. High conflict people (HCP) seem to be on the rise in our society and may be about one in eight people. They can be abusive and/or controlling in close relationships: verbally, physically, sexually, financially, spreading rumors, cutting off friends and family, and some even bring lawsuits against those they loved. But much of it is hidden at the beginning.

How can you spot an HCP when you’re dating? The following seven tips can help:

1. Beware of excessive Charm

This takes everyone by surprise. It is the opposite of what you expect! Many HCPs have a sugary personality when they first meet people and can be some of the best at hitting on dates with attention, affection, gifts, fancy dinners, charming notes, flowery comments and texts who sing your praises. In many ways, this balances out the negativity that may be just around the corner after making a deeper commitment.

This is not to say that generosity, attention and affection are not good and part of all good relationships. It’s just that a typical feature of HCP is extremes – including extremely charming behavior. If it sounds too good to be true, you just might be!

2. Pay Attention to Your Feelings, But Don’t Be Ruled by Them

A surprising number of divorcees say they had a gut feeling that there were problems in the relationship before they got married, but they ignored those feelings and thought that whatever problems existed could be solved. Pay attention to gut feelings in relationships. Often with HCPs, your conscious thinking will give the person the benefit of the doubt, while your unconscious gut feelings feel that there is a problem. Listen to these feelings and consider them. Some of the most conflicted personalities are adept at saying the right things while doing all the wrong things.

On the other hand, don’t automatically follow your feelings. Sometimes our feelings lead us out and make us attracted to the wrong people for reasons we may never know. Pay attention to your feelings, but discuss it with someone else to get a reality check before making big commitments.

Also, alcohol and other substances can cloud your dating radar, so plan some activities that prevent anything that could alter your consciousness and feelings.

3. Don’t let sex blind you

Sex is one of the most powerful factors in falling in love. The hormones released in your brain when you have sex tell you to fall in love with your partner, specifically dopamine. It ignites your sense of pleasure and increases your sexual desire. It can be as powerful as heroin and other drugs, and it can make you fall in love with everything around the sleeping person: it adds to your memories of where you are, sights and sounds and smells, and your other experiences shared with the person . (Doidge, The Changing Brain, 2007)

So you have to be careful who you “attack”. This powerful drug in your brain can make you blind to all the warning signs that you may discover when you wear it several months later (and you may have already made a deeper commitment).

4. Take your time

There is no reason you have to make a quick commitment to a new relationship. HCPs are usually aggressive and angry. They often push new partners to move quickly in the development of relationships and even in marriage. Still, it can take up to a year before someone’s high-conflict personality fully emerges—and your dopamine blinders wear out.

For example, domestic violence, rumor-mongering, and other abusive behaviors may not begin until about six months into a relationship, when the HCP’s partner feels threatened enough and safe enough to risk pushing, shoving, hitting and even injuries. You are in too deep at this point to quickly call it quits. It’s much easier to blame yourself and think it’s an exception and won’t happen again. Moreover, this often catches reasonable people totally by surprise, because they blame themselves. But such behavior is unacceptable in any relationship and will repeat and repeat if the person has a high conflict personality. It’s a part of who I am. You can often tell if it is part of who they are, if they justify abusive behavior and brush it off as normal; or if they say it will never happen again – and then it does.

Other abusive behaviors can also take time to show, such as financial problems that include extravagant spending with your money, old debts you didn’t know existed, hiding money, giving away property, paying for friends’ expenses and family members. , and so on.

One of the clearest signs of an HCP is the threat to leave if you do not agree to a quick commitment. By taking your time to commit to any new partner, you have the opportunity to see if such hidden behaviors will come out. With this in mind, it makes a lot of sense to avoid quick commitments to move in together, get married, or even share money. It’s easier to go slowly into a good relationship than it is to get out of a high-conflict relationship.

5. Beware of All-or-Nothing Thinking

This may be the easiest factor to notice. High conflict people tend to see things as either all good or all bad. I often see people this way. After a disagreement with someone, he or she totally blames the other person and avoids any responsibility to solve the problem. Although this was not the cause of the problem, most people reflect on what they could do differently to avoid or solve similar problems in the future. “I should have been more careful with him.” “I never trusted her.” “Next time I’ll get another opinion first.” HCPs are often pressured to agree that others are all bad, or to get involved in their battles with other people. They usually think of themselves as victims and may often describe other people as taking advantage of them or being out to get them.

6. Is he or she self absorbed?

Does he or she ever ask about you? “How was your day?” “What do you think about this subject?” “What do you want to do today?” Many HCPs are so self-absorbed that they forget you’re there—unless they want something from you. Don’t be fooled by how smart, creative and charming they are, if they don’t work for you in the relationship. Many HCPs are very high-functioning people who can draw people into them, but they can’t energize others and they don’t nurture their relationships once they have them. See how other people treat you. Do they treat higher status people with great respect and lower status people (waitresses, manual workers, ex-spouses, etc.) with great disdain or contempt? Are you surprisingly insensitive to friends and family at times? Are you always trying to prove how superior you are? Do they seem to lack empathy? See how they meet your interests. Do they change the subject before you’ve finished talking about what’s important to you? See how they respond to your feedback on their behavior. Are you interested in self-improvement, or there is an intense negative response. Also, see how you respond to their feedback on your behavior. Are you feeling warm and trusting, or suddenly defensive? Try the full range of your interests and the full range of your concerns on the other person, to see how they handle “issues” that come up in all relationships. If you are not comfortable or excited to talk to your partner about almost anything during the first six to twelve months, then it is unlikely that you ever will. Don’t count on changing your partner. It rarely happens in real life.

7. Look for conflicting personality patterns

Our personalities are the way we constantly think, feel and act in the world around us in our lives. Personalities are mostly formed in childhood, so they don’t change much once we’re adults—unless we make sincere efforts to change and then practice those changes over and over again. HCPs usually have no interest in changing themselves, and become quite defensive if you ask for new behavior or behavior change. HCPs are not self-reflective and usually blame others when things go wrong, including those problems they caused.

There are at least five high-conflict personality patterns that are surprisingly predictable once you know the warning signs: the “Love You, Hate You” personality pattern, the “I’m so superior” pattern, the “Con Artist,” ” Always Dramatic”. ” and “I’m out to get me” models. Each has specific extreme ways of thinking, feeling and behaving. You can learn more about them from our articles and books on the website of the Institute of the High Conflict, or meet with a mental health professional in your community who can describe these patterns and how you can recognize and avoid them.

Conclusions

In today’s world, we have more freedom than ever to select our friends and romantic partners. This means that we have to become more informed so as not to make serious mistakes. The close relationship behavior of high-conflict people is often hidden at first, and then becomes confusing, divides family and friends, and increases in higher levels of conflict, instead of decreasing over time. Under the surface, they can become abusive, especially when the relationship becomes really close or when a major stressor or conflict arises.

This can also happen when you have friends or office workers who have known the person for many years. The problem is that they have never known this person in a really close relationship or under a really major stressor or personal conflict. These are the conditions that really show the person’s high conflict personality. Generally, when the going gets tough in all areas of their life, they focus on blaming others – and their targets are usually those closest to them in intimate relationships – romantic relationships or really close friends.

Don’t be surprised. Start developing your Dating Radar before making future commitments. Remember, there are still about seven out of eight people who are not HCPs! There may be one waiting for you!

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