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How to Get Your Man Back Part 3 – Why Are You Always Fighting?
Once upon a time, he was Prince Charming… and he hung on your every word.
Now he doesn’t even look at you. And he fights all the time.
You loved coming home to see your man.
Now your instincts twist as you open the door… and you prepare for another night of trying to hurt each other… and get revenge… and score points… with cruel words ( and sometimes even worse abuse).
How can you recover when your home is a war zone?
Step 1: Use this simple and powerful technique.
Find out the real reason you are struggling
Beat all the time. But why?
Leaving the toilet seat up… and leaving the top of the toothpaste… and forgetting to take out the trash… and forgetting to buy milk at the store… and wearing old socks… and going out with the girls in a Hookers-R-Us outfit… and having a few drinks at the bar… and telling the same old stories… are important (sort of). But are they really worth a thrashing, drag-out, grudge match?
If your partner had 1 week to live… would you spend that time discussing these things?
So why do these little things seem so important now?
Why risk your relationship to fight old and stupid battles that are not important?
Good question. And when you discover the answer, you will be halfway to solving the problem.
How can you find out why you want to kill others?
How about trying the “so?…” technique? Therapists and novelists use this tactic to uncover buried emotions. Want to give it a shot?
Of course you do.
Here’s what you do
- Make an appointment (1 hour should be fine) with your man to discuss why you are struggling.
- Find a time that works for both of you, without distractions.
- Don’t bother him when he’s watching his favorite show. It’s rude… and won’t appreciate the intrusion.
- Pretend you’re an investigative reporter (or a CSI tech, or an FBI agent) trying to uncover the causes of a problem.
- It’s about the truth (not about you or him)…so there’s no need for emotion (just the facts).
- Ask him to tell you in his own words why he is angry.
- Don’t interrupt…or clarify…or refute…or ridicule…or object…or apologize…or get angry…or do anything to stop their flow.
- It’s his story. Let him say it in his own way… with his perspective… at his own pace.
- There are no right or wrong answers here. Just emotions. Forget all about logic.
- When explaining why you feel a certain way, try to dig deeper… bring out the implications… with “so?” or “why?”
Here is an Example
He sits at the other end of the couch, and doesn’t look your way. “Aren’t you ever there when I need you?”
Be quiet and calm and polite. “Where am I?”
“Out going about stupid things with your stupid friends.”
“You neglect me.”
“I deserve more than this.”
“Obviously you’d rather spend time with them than me.”
“You think so little of me that you’d rather be anywhere else than here with me where you are.”
Now he digs deep…and it takes a while to take in what he’s saying. Never heard this before. “You obviously don’t respect me.”
“You don’t stay with someone you don’t respect.”
“Leave me… like my mom did when I was 7.”
Most people stop there. But you know better. Keep going. “So what?”
“I can’t survive on my own. I’ll be alone… and poor… and unloved… and homeless… and unwanted… and sick… and no one will protect me. . .”
Then really start talking. About important things.
Going out with your friends is not great. But being abandoned? It’s a whole different ball game. That’s his REAL motivation for fighting – he feels like a 3-year-old left alone in the woods to be attacked by wolves.
Forget the toilet seat. Focus on real issues. And find out with “so?”.
And, consult a professional if you discover something you can’t handle. There is no prize for doing it all alone. If you need professional help… GET IT!
Now you know a powerful way to uncover the real reasons why you struggle. This is like removing pus from a wound. A good first step, but often not enough.
In Part 4 of this series, I will tell you how to heal the wound.
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