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Relationship Advice: Closeness and Connection

In my work with couples, certain themes have emerged

can help you understand how a couple that was once close can

it drifts so far.

How couples drift apart

1) Life got in the way. Somehow, in the middle of the road and

In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, couples seem to forget about each other. The initial closeness they once felt has been damaged by the focus on work, bills, kids, you name it.

2) Each takes the other for granted. This can slowly eat into any connection a couple might feel. What makes it worse is that it is so easy to do. Keeping priorities straight in our stressful lives can be very difficult. We are so caught up in simply living that we forget to make a life with our partner.

3) Everyone stops treating each other well. Either way, we succumb to the idea that all the things we did that brought us together are no longer necessary. It’s like the old joke about the couple who had been married for many years and one day the wife said to the husband, “Don’t ever say you love me again!” The husband responds with: “Well, honey, I said. I loved you on our wedding day. If anything changes, I’ll let you know.”

4) Resentments are held. Old grudges, wounds and resentments are a cancer that can eat away at the closeness of a couple.

5) Communication stops. This is the most frequent reason given by couples as a factor in their drift. When a couple stops communicating, it’s only a matter of time before roommate syndrome sets in.

If you recognize your relationship in the above examples, hang here; you are not alone and there is a way out. Couples don’t plan to drift apart, they simply drift apart over time. Just the opposite is true of growing closer. Don’t just get lost, intentionally take action designed to grow closer. Here are some tips from couples I’ve worked with that have helped them grow closer.

How couples can get closer again

1) Have a conversation about how you first met and what first attracted you to each other.

2) Talk about the times you felt the most connected. Then list the things you did that helped create that closeness. Then do these things again.

3) Mention something your partner has done that you like. For example, “I loved today when you gave me a break from the kids / held my hand / hugged me / helped me to the office, etc.”.

4) Find out what your partner’s “love language” is. Do they need to see, hear, or hear more to feel more loved?

If you don’t know, ask.

5) Ask your partner what their “perfect day” would be like and then create as much as possible.

6) Renew and/or rewrite your votes. Who says we can say these

important words only once? Renewing vows, vows and words of love can quickly and powerfully bring a couple closer together.

These are just some suggestions for the way back to the neighborhood

and connection. I would love to hear from couples how they made the trip back to the neighborhood after drifting.

If you want to share your secrets, drop me a line.

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