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Permissive Parenting – A Spirited Child – Does Your Child Rule the Roost?
There are actually many approaches to parenting. Most of us who are raising children now grew up with authoritative parents, you know “do what I say and not what I do” and “because I said so, that’s why” type of parenting.
As new parents, we remember those years of frustration at what we considered thoughtless parenting. As adults, we read all the parenting books, we subscribe to the parenting magazines, we want to be the best parents we can be. We are organic, natural – alive, flexible and easy. What’s not to love? We have to show the world (and our parents) that parenting means peaceful and loving kindness and that we have all the answers, before we have children that is.
Next to a child, maybe even a few. If you have a calm tempered child that he easily fits into the normal parenting boxes that all the books talk about, and permissive parenting works quite well. Positive Parenting books will give you wonderful examples to support and that work perfectly with docile children.
But what about the spirit child? What is it about the rebel that seems determined to make you lose all the hair on your head? The kid makes you wonder “what did I do wrong” because it’s so hard. You never thought that parenting could be so difficult, and sometimes you feel like you want to run away and hide from it all. You can be in tears every day and you can ask God “why?” You never signed up for this!
You can’t see any parenting errors. You are a wonderful parent, letting Johnny have his freedom and think independently as people should. You give explanations for everything you do, to live in a democratic way; yet you feel like your child’s energy could reach you at any moment. It drags you around stores and around play dates. You’re running ragged, you’re at your wits’ end and you want things to be different. But where are the real answers? How do things change?
If it sounds like I’m speaking from experience, I am.
I found out when I was six months old. This was no ordinary child. I knew him when I was called into the principal’s office day after day in a short time in Kindergarten. I knew this when I had a slight constant fear in my heart about how my son acts around the family and in public. Will you decide to listen today? Can I “handle” him today?
Once you get into the habit of what I call Loving Discipline Parenting, your family will be transformed. At some point, having a natural tendency to be permissive (because of your flexible personality) you will realize that a healthy parent-child relationship means having a strong sense of personal power. If your child is animated, you will certainly see that he has no problem with his own sense of personal power, so why should you? Animated children can teach a lot.
My journey to a quiet, low-stress home has been a long one. But we arrived. Once I started implementing the basic principles of Loving Discipline Parenting, life turned around 180 degrees and everyone is happy now. Our family bond has never been tighter and we love every day. I am going to share with you some of the basic aspects of Discipline Loving Parenting.
1. Redefine your idea of who you think your child is. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. What you think of your child becomes the role they fulfill. Think about and describe your relationship with your child honestly. Leave it all out. It’s okay that things aren’t okay. We have to recognize the current situation for healing to begin. Now start thinking about the results you want to see happen. Keep that image in your mind as you continue to implement new ways of parenting. Only describe your child in positive terms to others, and begin to see the positive aspects of your child’s character. This begins by setting the standard for your new relationship with your child. I’m surprised how often I see parents unwittingly (perhaps) commenting on how difficult their children are right in front of their children. What message do you think the child is sending? Children will not disappoint you. Change the way you see your child and your relationship with your child, and you will see the changes.
2. Establish limits and stick to them. This is especially difficult for those of us parents who are so open and free. We don’t like limits for ourselves, so why do we push them on our children? In reality, children need boundaries. In order for them to feel safe, they need to know that you are ultimately in control. They need to know that they can depend on you to step up and step in to defend something. What are you defending with a laissez-faire attitude? You have to show an example of a strong sense of self so that your child understands the true meaning of this.
3. Give your child responsibility. For us, this meant a responsibility card for beginners, for the whole family, not just children. Now we have left it and my children understand that we are a community, a family that lives together and that everyone has to go out of their way and help the well-being of the community. Giving children responsibility encourages growth and maturity. The children, who complain, are then able to understand the value in a hard day’s work. Teach them the value of helping family and community. Helping the family is expected and necessary. None but.
4. Cut out food dyes and unhealthy junk foods. I cannot emphasize this enough. Many children have behavioral reactions to food dyes and preservatives. You may not be aware of it, especially if your child tends to eat these types of foods every day. You may just think that your child has a personality problem and is a rebel or refuses to listen. Food dyes and preservatives have been closely linked with ADHD symptoms. Darting eyes, lack of attention, lack of focus or concentration: they are all associated with food dyes and allergic reactions of preservatives. My son has made great strides with eliminating these alone.
5. For every fault you find in your child, find its opposite (for example, how can persistence be useful in the real world?) When we are frustrated, we tend to see more negative than positive, even if we are generally positive people. Realize that this special child you have will help you grow spiritually and emotionally if you allow that growth to happen.
6. As you respect others, ask to be respected and that your child also respects others. This includes communication, word choices, listening to each other, respect for others’ well-being and ownership. You don’t have to give it up. Children who do not respect their parents and others many times end up in very bad situations.
7. Sit and talk with your child – Explain the changes Your child needs an honest explanation of the changes that are going to happen. Your child is smart. He knows things are out of control, he feels it and yet he has no idea how to make things better. It’s been a long time that you feel a feeling of rejection in one form or another from others and also from you (those frustrated looks, those tears, those sighs). You and your child are a team, there is a lot of love deep down and you have to work for it. Your relationship will be improved and life will be much better for everyone. Let your child know exactly what changes will happen and that it is because we are trying something new to make everyone happier.
8. Know that after the novelty wears off, you have to continue with your consistency. Relatives are like that. If you give up and go back to your permissive ways of being, life will go back to how it was. Your child will feel out of control, and so will you. Like healthy eating, new habits must be constantly maintained to receive a real lasting benefit. But the good news is that you have to start continuously. Children will get angry, they can say things that hurt you .. but as long as they continue to use loving discipline parenting, things will settle down and turn into the family life that you have also only dreamed of.
9. Respect comes naturally from a close and loving bond. If you do not now have a close bond with your child, it is likely that there is also a lack of respect. Approach your child emotionally and you will see that all the time, your child eagerly does the things you ask of him and is happy to help and listen. He does this because he loves closeness with you, and naturally we want those we love to be happy. Bonding with your child includes things like reading stories together every day (no matter what age), sharing experiences and retrieving past experiences, being genuinely interested in what your child do and where are their interests, and take their feelings and thoughts into consideration (but do not let this rule you).
10. Make your family and your children’s education the first priority in your life. Parenting can be predetermined or it can be a complete journey to truly know yourself. You want the latter. Why pass up this opportunity for personal growth and enrichment? To support an emotionally healthy family in the center of your life is to balance your life, enhance the meaning of life and your own well-being. Involvement in your child’s education is at the heart of parenting. Do not shy away from your responsibility as a guide and educator.
Loving Kindness Parenting means that you allow freedom for your child, but your child respects the freedom of others, including your own. You are not a slave to your child’s desires just as he is not a slave to yours. Your child should be as respectful to you as you are to him. Children will try every now and then and you have to get down to their level (literally) look them straight in the eyes and say calmly “I don’t talk to you like that, please don’t talk to me like that. .” The best thing you can do when emotions escalate is to lower your voice, even to almost a whisper. Stay calm and speak calmly. This does not mean that you lack power in your voice with what you say. You have to show power…but speak quietly. This calms the emotions and lets your child know that you are very comfortable with your own sense of inner strength and you don’t need to yell at him to know that you are heard. It is an invaluable tool that has served me well since Maria Montesorri’s methods. It is a base in my life.
By implementing these simple steps, you will see drastic changes in your relationship with your child and your child’s behavior. However, you must follow these methods. The part of the addition to the parental leave is not exactly attached with any kind of rigor. That’s the only thing that needs to change for your situation to change. You may be afraid of making wrong choices and hurting your child in unknown ways. We all make mistakes; it is the nature of parents. But the result is not close to the disaster as the children without limits and the miserable, tired, exhausted parents, who are about to give up in despair. Ultimately, you are responsible for your child and your child’s well-being. If your child is out of control, they don’t feel safe or loved. Lovingly enforced rules and boundaries really help a child know that they are deeply loved and cared for. You don’t have to have all the answers, but children respect people who have convictions (even when these convictions are not always right) more than people who have desires. So gather that inner strength my friend and get up. Be that proud, loving, kind but firm parent who is a true educator! This is your life and you deserve to enjoy parenthood for the joy it can truly be. Why suffer when the answers are right there in front of you?
In Joyful parenting, Mellisa Dormoy
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