How To Teach A 3 Year Old How To Pee The Magic of Malicious Compliance – Why People Engage in Self Sabotage

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The Magic of Malicious Compliance – Why People Engage in Self Sabotage

If there is such a thing as personal dark magic, then “malicious conformity” is surely one of its best and worst manifestations. Intended as an equalizer and a liberator, the malicious compliment traps the malicious compiler in a conflicting cycle of self-damaging, self-diminishing revenge-that-is-supposed-to-heal. In the regular world, the maliciously complete person seeks to harm the other by doing exactly what the other wants. In the NLP in the style of Marin, what I also noticed is that the malicious person is also trying to heal everyone in his family – his family of origin. More on this part later in the article.

Malicious compliance is a tactic to inflict pain as well. The Wikipedia entry for malicious compliance describes it well:

Malicious compliance is the behavior of a person who intentionally inflicts damage by strictly following management orders or following legal compulsions, knowing that compliance with the orders will cause a loss of some form resulting in damage to the business or the reputation of the manager, or a loss. to an employee or subordinate. In effect, it is a form of sabotage used to harm leadership or used by leadership to harm subordinates.

When unions want to punish management, they have their union members “work to rule.” It is a no strike mode. Wiki says so:

A work-to-rule is malicious compliance used as a form of industrial action, where the rules are deliberately followed to the letter in a deliberate attempt to reduce employee productivity.

As I understand it, the ranks of the military are a good source for malicious compliance stories. There is one of the sergeant who ordered the soldiers to take tin buckets and mops, and to clean the floor of the huge empty building. The sergeant returned hours later. The men stood in the supply shed, “waiting for orders”, because the only packages they could find in the shed were made of plastic, not tin. After all, the sergeant specified “tin pails.”

Here is an excerpt from an actual blog. The writer recounts his experience as an enlisted man in the Air Force, dealing one day with a particularly arrogant major:

As Bernie and I dutifully approached his desk, he pulled his glasses up his nose, allowing him to peer at us in the most disdainful manner. “Now boys,” he spoke so softly and deliberately to make sure even a Neanderthal could understand. “I want this room painted all white.” To add insult to injury, he ordered me to repeat his order. “You want the room all white,” I repeated his order mechanically with special emphasis on the word “all.” Most didn’t understand the bitterness in my voice, but Bernie did. He held his head down grinning from ear to ear…………..Finally we settled on a solution, we painted the room as we were in order – ALL WHITE! When we hit on this solution, we were inspired……… Everything was painted “white”. The ceiling, walls, floors, window panes even the desk, chair and telephone have been double coated. Nothing was spared. The electrical switches, door knobs and light fixtures above were not missed………….. The elder got his wish! (citation)

Malicious compliance is a preferred method by which the (apparently) righteous powerless can punish, and perhaps correct, the rude, unjust behavior of the (apparently) villainous and powerful. Children, including very young children, use the technique to try to punish and control their families, especially their parents. A brief tour through anyone’s memory will reveal thousands of mischievous moments, some of them actually expressed as outward behavior. Most moments of mischievous inspired conformity are simply filed away in the child’s mind, bright ideas and schemes to be pulled later in case of extreme parental injustice.

All malicious schemes begin with the words, “I’ll show you!” Some simple examples:

Parent: “Go to your room, and stay there! I don’t want to see you outside that room anymore, do you understand me!?”

The boy (in thought alone): “Okay. I’ll go to my room, and I’ll never leave, and I’ll pee on the floor, and I’ll never go to school, and I’ll starve, and I’ll stink. really bad, and then you you will regret it!

O…

Parent, during some kind of misfortune: “I don’t want to hear one more sound out of you, not a sound! I understand! Many hours later, at the dinner table, long after the parent has forgotten the disorder , the boy refuses to talk to anyone. The boy’s plan is: “Okay. I’ll never speak again, if that’s what you want…..and then you’ll be sorry!”

Of course, in the usual flow of family give and take, these complacent revenge fantasies are short-lived; they are quickly displaced by the child’s desire to reunite with parents, family and life. Few children actually manage to never leave their rooms, or never speak again, and so on. But it is the beginning of the thing that counts, and the hope that underlies the beginning. The principle is that the world that parents create for their children should not be unfair, capricious or cruel. The child’s hope, the tremendously important part of all this, is that they can correct the abuse and perceived incompetence of the parents by using “industrial action for children” – in malicious accordance with what the parental authorities claim to want, and with what these authorities improperly. assert on those in his power.

As an example: if you, as a parent, continuously pound into your child the message, “You have no value and will never amount to anything”, then your child will be tempted to maliciously conform to you and to punish -Growing up and worth nothing, and then you will regret it. However, the much deeper hope of your child is that when you perceive what you have caused, not only will you regret it and feel very, very, very bad, but that you will really change. When you, the parent, change, then things will be better for the child—and everyone else in the family. Thus, in the domain of powerful creativity, other than the child’s consciousness (the domain of beliefs and decisions), all your child has to do to force himself to do things better is to make sure that things they really, really, really stay. bad-forever, or until you change, whichever comes first. (For a humorous and superbly worthy demonstration of malicious conformity, see the “soap poisoning” sequences in Gene Sheppard’s A Christmas Story.)

The unconscious, identity-level pattern that blossoms from this transformation of malicious conformity (“I’ll punish you for being who you say you are”) into “beatific conformity” (“I’ll save you all by making you better parents”). it’s a long life to take your breath away. The child’s identity has no power in painful and abusive situations, except for two things: the child can control the intensity and duration of his own suffering – nothing else. In desperately-grieving families, children are forced to conclude that they can never be good enough, perfect, smart, etc., to stop mom and dad from hurting them. This is when the kids have to go to their own mischievously/beatifically complete Plan B: “Dear Mom and Dad, I can’t stop you from doing bad, but you can’t stop me from keeping bad, and maybe even doing it. worse, so I’m actually in charge of all this awfulness, not you. I can control how I feel and determine who I am, not you. I’ll protect you and cover for you. I’ll make sure it’s you. hurt me. I’ll hurt you instead . And I will never leave this change until you have the opportunity to develop a little more and do things right, because that’s how much I love you.” The mischievous conformity is thus transformed into a delicious compliment.

In Marino’s PNL, we assume that all children love their parents, and that all parents love their children. This is not a variable in life. What varies is how this love will be shown. Some families are lucky to be able to show love as love. In other families, love will be shown as something twisted, twisted and ugly. Damaging ourselves all our lives, insisting on a reality in which we are unworthy, unloveable, or insecure, in an inoperable effort to retroactively redeem our parents and correct our family history – is a very beautiful expression of the really bad love.

This is where I come back to “The worst belief in the world”. As you may remember from our previous article, the worst belief in the world is: “The most dangerous thing I can do is to think that I am not in danger.” In addition to having to deal with being hijacked by their brain’s ancient, creature-level security model, everyone who has this “worst belief” is also operating from a malicious and delicious compliment. The mischievous expression is something like, “I’ll show you! If you’re going to make it so scary to be me, then I’m going to be scared for the rest of my life! And I hope you’re watching while it’s happening! You’re going to regret it!” The loving and delicious version is: “Dear parents, if you can’t do better than make it totally scary to be me, then in your honor I’m going to keep it totally scary until you can do better. to be good parents. It’s not good for you if you’re not good parents.”

Thus, to revise the “worst belief” we have to update our old model of security and move away from the comforts of our old model for malicious and (arrogantly, unnecessarily) loving compliance. The good news is that both transitions and revisions are available. In fact, we all seem to be wired to naturally install these updates as soon as we’re ready—as soon as we want to enable the new experiences.

Soon: “The best update for the worst belief”

© 2009 Carl Buchheit and NLP Marin

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