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How to Maintain Sexual Purity in Your Marriage
Sex is the most powerful force in the universe.
During the last few weeks we have been talking about sexual purity. I think it will be useful today to cover the importance of sex in our lives and our relationships.
Today I will be addressing married couples in class. For the rest of you, you should follow Napoleon Hill’s advice and convert your sexual energy into other creative outlets such as making money or promoting world peace. He suggested that the reason men under forty rarely make much money is that they spend all their energy in the pursuit of sex. After the age of forty, more often they settle down and “transmute” their sexual energy into the energy needed to achieve their goals.
One of Steven Covey’s seven habits is the habit of valuing differences in people. I can think of no other example where this habit is more important than in a marriage.
In case you haven’t noticed, men are different from women. Women look, act and think differently than men. While men tend to be more objective in their thoughts, women tend to be more subjective. Women are often better at considering the big picture in decision-making while men tend to be focused on the current situation.
Men are problem solvers while women tend to be more supportive in their roles.
Despite the attempts in modern culture to try to erase the differences between men and women, the differences are very real and must be evaluated. There is nothing that men and women cannot be equal but different.
Once, I was at a conference and during a break I happened upon a group of professional women discussing life in the workplace. They were fussing about how they should be treated equal to men and how they could do everything a man could do, etc. When the leader of the group noticed me, he asked me my opinion as a man on the matter. She asked me, “Are women really equal to men in the workplace?” Knowing I was tricking myself into what I thought was a no-win situation, I first looked her in the eye, then looked her up and down, noting how she was dressed. So I quoted from Steven Covey one of the subjects of the conference before and he said: “Personally, I value the differences.” Suddenly his whole attitude changed and he offered to buy me a drink.
So let’s talk about sex. Men and women think differently about sex. To begin with, there is a difference in how often men and women think about sex. However,
I did some research this week on the difference between how men and women think about sex. The statistic that Don cited is flagged by Snopes.com as a false rumor. The only actual scientific information I could find was from the Kinsey institute which said that 54% of men think about sex at least once a day, while 19% of women think about sex at least once per day. Other studies suggest that men think about sex more when they are not actually having sex and women think about sex more when they are having sex. This difference seems to account for the difference in frequency noted in the study.
Also, like former President Clinton, there is often a difference in how men and women define sex or a sexual thought. While a man can look at an attractive woman and instantly consider that a sexual thought, a woman who sees an attractive man might think in her mind that she should first meet him and see if he qualifies before she is really a sexual partner. and therefore do not consider seeing the attractive man a sexual thought because he could not qualify after meeting.
In a British study done last year where certain physical responses that are under subconscious control – such as pupil dilation – were measured, the response of men and women was almost the same in their frequency of sexual responses.
So the main difference may be that women are on the survey.
Let’s look at the Bible:
27 Then God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created;
male and female he created them.
We see here that God created both male and female. So either God has a great sense of humor, or he wanted to appreciate the differences in others.
The most vivid example of not only appreciating the difference between men and women is the sexual relationship. The Bible often uses the image of two becoming one.
We all know the story of Adam and Eve and how they lost their unity with God when they chose to separate from Him by choosing the fruit of good and evil. The search for totality has become man’s lifelong struggle.
I think God created sexual unity as a metaphor for how we can regain that unity. Sexual rituals have been used in many pagan worship practices and I think it is because of this built in the desire to find spiritual unity that promotes this feeling.
Let’s look at the importance of sex in the Bible:
Deuteronomy 24:5 (New International Version)
5 If a man has recently married, he should not be sent to war, and he should not be sent to any other duty. For one year he will be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he married.
The myth that women don’t like sex as much as men is a relatively recent idea. I think it was promoted mostly in the media as a way to create new markets for products. When I talk to older men about how to treat women, they all seem to be under the assumption that women love attention from men and will do anything to get it. This modern idea that men have to dress a certain way, buy a certain car, wear a certain cologne to attract the attention of women seems silly to men who grew up before the Second World War.
And if you still want proof that a woman will do absolutely anything for a man she is attracted to, just look at the girls who ride on the back of motorcycles. I can’t imagine a more uncomfortable place to sit and not be able to drive or even see where I’m going.
I am going to suggest a new approach to sexual purity today. I have noticed that one of the biggest causes of people seeking extramarital sex is that they are not happy with their current relationship. So the simple solution to this problem is – Enjoy sex with your husband.
Let’s see what the Bible says about this:
Proverbs 5:18-19 (New International Version)
18 Blessed be thy fountain,
and you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving deer, a graceful deer —
may her breasts always satisfy you,
he can always be captivated by his love.
This verse implies that we have a duty to continue to be attractive to one another even after we are married. There are many studies that seem to indicate that women stop acting seductive towards men once they are in a committed relationship. However, my observations have shown another factor that may be hidden from researchers.
As part of my marketing studies, I did extensive research on the area of attraction. If women really lose the desire to seduce men after they are in a committed relationship, then the blame is right on men. Most men, the moment they feel comfortable around a woman they change their behavior and stop doing all the things that attracted their wives to begin with.
And once the attraction is lost, it is very difficult to regain it.
Returning to the differences in men and women, for women, the only thing that causes a woman to be sexually stimulated is attraction. You cannot logically debate her or beg or coerce or buy the stimulation of a woman, you can only attract her.
I really can’t go into detail about what a man should do to be attractive to a woman in a mixed class because the girls here deny it.
But I will cover some basics.
Men need to be men, manly men. Nothing kills attraction to women faster than a whiny guy struggling to get her attention. Be a man, do manly things and ignore her for a bit and see what happens.
Women are attracted to evil alphas. The man who shows dominance and strength. He is attracted by adventure, mystery and emotional power.
Girls, it’s your job to help your man be more attractive. If he does something that makes you appreciate his manliness, point it out.
But you can’t be subtle about it. Boys do not speak the same language as girls. You may think you said it, but if he didn’t understand your suggestions, you didn’t communicate it.
I think that girls already know exactly how to be attractive to men, you just have to be motivated to show it.
And finally let’s look at what Paul had to say about sex:
1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (New International Version)
3 The husband should fulfill his matrimonial duty to his wife, and the same wife to her husband. 4 The wife’s body does not belong only to her, but also to her husband. Likewise, the husband’s body does not belong only to him, but also to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other, except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you can devote yourself to prayer. So get back together so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Basically, Paul says that if you have great sex at home, you don’t have to go anywhere else to look.
Again, this means that men and women have a spiritual duty to remain attractive to one another.
Another myth that is promoted in our modern society is that, somehow, beautiful girls are supposed to be better at sex than ordinary girls. I know many guys who will tell you that the exact opposite is true.
A woman’s attractiveness to men is often her value as a conquest rather than her sexual skills. So girls, one of your best tools to keep your man attracted to you is to remember how much fun you’re having.
As Mae West once said: “I’m not a model, a model is just an imitation of the real thing.”
Sex is one of the greatest ways to stay healthy. It helps you relax, it helps you focus on living in the present moment. If you think about anything other than your partner while having sex, you’re doing it wrong.
Sex also helps clear your mind. And sexual union can be a great time of spiritual unity.
In summary, God created the sexual differences between men and women so that they could better enjoy each other and to help each other deal with the problems and frustrations of life. Sexual union is a metaphor for finding unity with God. And, by having great sex in proper relationships, our lives are made healthier, less stressful, happier and generally more pleasing to God.
Focusing your sexual energy on your partner will greatly reduce any desire to seek sexual experience outside of your marriage. Enjoying an abundance of sexual experience with your partner will also eliminate any thoughts of sexual scarcity that you may want to satisfy outside of your marriage.
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