How To Tell If My 3 Year Old Has Autism Failed at Love Again or Just Another Manic Episode (I’m Bipolar, You Know)

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Failed at Love Again or Just Another Manic Episode (I’m Bipolar, You Know)

One Sunday, while I was still depressed about another love affair gone south, I came across a quote from Wolfgang Goethe: “If I love you, what business is it of yours?” A bolt of lightning struck me when I realized that being in love has nothing to do with the other person. It’s like telling her “I love you, but it has nothing to do with you.” All these women I fell in love with over the years; all these infatuations, lust and compulsions were mine and mine alone! But what about everything I’ve learned? I used to believe those relationship people who say that couples come together to solve their childhood problems. My spirituality took a hit since I also believed that falling in love was really two souls coming together to promote their eternal healing and rise closer to God. What about the angle of evolution? If we don’t have the instinct that brings some of us together, surely we are extinct, right? Yet those damn words of Goethe are so clear to me. If falling in love has nothing to do with her, then surely something must be wrong with me.

When I fall in love, I lose my ego limits. All I can think about is being with her.

Don’t eat. I lose interest in important things like my job, my bills, and my friends. I was moving a million miles a minute like a hyperactive child… well, like a maniac. So I looked it up. Mania manifests as hyperactivity, grandiose behaviors, unreasonable assumptions and sometimes, high-risk behavior. So that’s it, I’m manic! No wait! There is a sadness that I feel too, a kind of stressful depression that goes through. If his voice wasn’t on the phone, then I’d rather not talk. I would die a thousand deaths waiting for my email to be answered. Did you read it? Is she ignoring me? Reading another man’s email? Where is my cell phone? Is it in charge? I will call to make sure it worked! I constantly doubted myself. I promised and I prayed. Argh! I couldn’t get up off the couch, but I sure could have jumped to the window when I heard what sounded like the sound of his car door slamming. Sure enough, all the sounds were remarkably similar to the sound of his car door slamming. Isn’t that depressing? I looked there too and now I’m both manic and depressed (and obviously confused).

So what causes this love stuff? Why she and not her (makes a head from left to right). Why now and not then? The distinct and brutal clarity that I derived from Mr. Goethe’s simple question is that falling in love is the beginning of a completely involved mood change that manifests itself in behaviors described as mania, followed by (and often preceded from) depression. I looked there too. The Diagnostic Psychiatric Manual (DSM IV) defines these alternating mood swings as Bipolar Disorder. So that’s it! I have a mood disorder!

Now, I was ready for a relationship when this last one came up, so I can rationalize why I ignored the red flags. There was the old boyfriend who she liked but who didn’t like her thing, the “let’s go easy” thing, the “we’re friends” thing, the “my totem animal is a turtle” thing. Flags? What flags? I don’t care! Of course I can be a friend. Yes, slow is good – sure, sure, I can do slow. Heck, I would have done anything: I just wanted a girlfriend. I could see she was starting to fall for me too. Well, he tried to do it anyway. There was the thing of coming here – go away, the wonderful cafes embraced by the river one day, but the next day I feel like an autism therapist… there turtle, turtle. I was confused. I sought advice from my friends, my doctor and the 7-11 employee with the barbell in his tongue. In retrospect, I only made recommendations that suited the needs of my manic episode. I ignored the fact that he segregated me from the rest of his life, except to meet another friend at the nine hole place or a meeting after work from a previous job. I ignored my friends’ warnings to always be available. I heard the “Go out and win!” instead of the “What’s in it for me, anyway?”

Until Wolfgang shared those words with me, I found refuge in what relationship books say about being in love; that two people are brought together by a deep need to solve their childhood problems. Well that seems pretty selfish now doesn’t it? Yet, I cannot quit a lifetime of finding excuses, reasons and justifications for the emotional battles I fight. I refused to discount all that time I spent in therapy to go back and detach from my angry inner child. Also, me and my inner little man have finally come to an agreement.

I will not abandon my hard-won spirituality, even if there is this nagging thought that where I believed that I had fallen in love with this woman – all these women – because our soul tried to heal, the stuff of the disorder of the mood now tells me that i’ I suffer from a combination of insufficient dopamine levels that delay my neurological synapse action that restricts the flow of blood through my limbic system, causing whatever it causes. Well, disorder or not, my God and my soul remain. Through the years and through the troubles I have found comfort in assigning a good deal of responsibility to my soul. It’s the big shot and obviously doesn’t tell me everything, so for reasons of self-preservation I think I’ll keep it.

My behavior in this last matter was particularly troubling. He wouldn’t let himself fall in love with me and I didn’t do that well. It is shown. Why does emotional dissonance bother you so much? Every day he loses faith in something else; the mailman, my golf swing, the rising sun. I had started spinning because the junk mail letter for twelve free CDs got my name wrong! I had days, even weeks, of misstep after misstep, as the universe tried to make a point. One day in particular I had a terrible time. I was breaking drill bits, blowing out my knee, selling a stock only to see it jump 30% two days later, I couldn’t spell it worth it and then I was alone on Valentine’s Day.

This was the most intense relationship I’ve ever been in. And I take it as additional evidence that what I learned was really for me and had little to do with her. It was a catalyst for my journey, like a mirror or a sounding board. Throughout this episode, I picked up one spiritual book after another; Celestine Visions; Seat of the soul; The Four Agreements; God on a Harley. I found solace in rocks – spiritual vibrations to soothe my soul. I had my palms read, my chart charted and my numbers numbered. I could listen to that drum CD while my visions took me swimming with a giant gecko lizard (my animal totem of choice at the time). Jeesh! Is this love as the Lutherans taught me?

Like most people in the midst of turmoil, I knew what I was going to do. A friend once said I could handle the breakup of a relationship. It was easier to handle rejection than intimacy because I had more experience in failure. Well, that’s not a nice thing to say about how we live and learn in the 21st century (although he actually said it at the end of the 20th century).

Having a mood disorder is a heavy label to attach to someone (although it is becoming more popular as drug companies increase advertising). It’s not as popular as codependency, but it’s here, and rightfully so. As we believed that the earth was the center of our universe, only to eventually agree with Copernicus that we are not, and as we believed that alcoholism was a moral dilemma caused by a lack of strength of will and moral turpitude, only to discover a genetic component, so we find in the comfort of a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder the means (and medications) to accept a little more of ourselves and face even one more day, through a rejection no longer. Of course, a new relationship might be easier if I am on Depekote and she is on Lithobid, we can be pharmacologically compatible. Only our therapist knew for sure. I have read that fish oil helps this condition. Omega 3. It is supposed to help the blood flow of the frontal lobe, it is good for the skin, and I only eat 24 gold fish a day, because according to the book it is more powerful when they are still alive. I got the book at the airport from a bald young man wearing clothes.

Just because it’s a “mess” anyway? Isn’t bipolar just another version of the individual? A wide variety of personality traits is necessary to support our highly differentiated and complicated culture. Just because teachers have to work more and parents get angrier and people like me end up in sales or at the carnival, why is it a mess? I know people without labels who throw cigarette butts out of their cars, don’t flush toilets, take out catalog cards at the library with Kleenex sticking out their noses (I’ve got a cold, sorry) and still give me the finger because they don’t they don’t like my lane changing behavior. Is it normal?

Maybe having a mood disorder is a product of evolution; the proliferation and differentiation of species. It is completely natural for a segment of the population to have an attention span of seven seconds, alternating periods of mania (what mood was Newton to create mechanical physics by looking at a falling apple?), and even a depression that hits us on busy holidays. weekends: we isolate ourselves and free the highways for all that traffic. Heck, we probably even save lives! We have great travel salespeople, art types, musicians, comedians, politicians, writers and therapists. We also make big alcoholics and drug addicts and are strong supporters of the tobacco and gambling industry, but that’s another story. I take some comfort in knowing that many great people were bipolar, including, but not limited to, Sir Isaac Newton (played the role of the apple), Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Leo Tolstoy, and Earnest Hemmingway.

I recovered from this last brush with the Turtle intact. We have to wait for recovery time, time, time, guess, guess, guess. i’m fine I didn’t bounce back into anyone’s arms. I’m not down in the pits of casino gambling or chocolate covered almonds (well, maybe a pound or two). I continued to meet women thanks to that canyahookmeup website, but these beautiful women do not come close to the euphoric potential that I ask for an episode. Maybe it’s okay to go slow and be friends first. I’m not entirely convinced that I’ll get what I need this way: part of me wants that euphoria.

Are you better for experience? Yes. Long ago I adopted a principle that the only expectation I have for everything that happens is to become a better person for it. Although he talks to me about love and humor and the quote from Goethe, this new reality suggests that he stops looking for “the one” and does not depend on constant excitement and euphoria. The next time I meet a woman who knocks my socks off, I’ll do well to remind myself that, however beautiful and bright and promising, my attraction may be less to her and more to my disorder caused by a combination. of internal chemistry, compulsive need, a spiritual desire and some external trigger, probably a blue moon, a tide or a butterfly blowing the wind in a faraway field. Just take it from there.

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