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Reactive Attachment Disorder in Adopted Children
If you have adopted children, especially if you did not get them when they were born, then there is a good chance that they are not attached, at least to a certain degree. The term for this is Reactive Attachment Disorder, or RAD for short. Having a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder can be a big challenge, and you have to change some of the ways you have learned to parent in the past. But it is not without hope.
There is a woman named Nancy Thomas who created a set of DVDs and a book called “When love is not enough” and they contain tons of information on how to work with unattached children. Nancy has been a parent of RAD children for many years, and the information she gives you is what she has learned from her experience.
How can you tell if your child is not attacked? One way is to see what they are like at different ages. Here are some guidelines – if you see these behaviors in your teen, know that they are not attached.
- Age 1 – 3: Takes what it sees and wants.
- Age 3 -5: Does not take what he sees and wants for fear of being killed by mom/dad.
- Age 5 – 9: Does not take in what he sees and wants to think that mommy/daddy might be angry.
- Age 9 – 11: He doesn’t take what he sees and wants because he wouldn’t like the way it would make him feel about himself.
For example, if your 12-year-old takes what he sees and wants, then he acts around the age of 2 or 3. Unattached children do not seem to have a conscience, at least when you start working with them. As they improve, they begin to move up the age ladder until they are functioning, healthy teenagers and adults. So, as you work with your child, referring to this chart, you will have an idea of how it is done.
An unattached child wants to feel powerful and in control. It’s an extremely strong drive in them, and it really will never go away. Therefore, you have to be directed in the right direction, saying that healthy things make them powerful, like telling the truth. Nancy Thomas has this technique where she has the child hold her arm at her side and say something that is true and she can’t push her arm away. Then he makes her tell a lie and he can push her arm. Then she says “See how powerful it makes you if you tell the truth?” It works!
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